BENNY'S RADIO ONE-LINERS

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...YOU BUNCH OF MOTHER %@#&!!!!!

2010-06-17T13:10:00.000-03:00

A mechanical problem with a freight car is the likeliest cause of a derailment Sunday that forced the evacuation of seven families on the mainland, says a spokesman for the railway......that rules out fairy dust that was previously suspected.

The Canadian navy is promising to take every possible precaution for wildlife during an international training exercise off the Nova Scotia coast later in June........I think they are lieing.....one destroyer was being loaded with "Shake and Bake for Whale".

A dozen out-of-control prisoners left a Nova Scotia jail in Dartmouth with smashed windows, broken sprinklers and damaged recreation equipment.......they were watching the World Cup.....the vuvuzelas got to them.

The shortage of medical isotopes led to a 22 per cent decrease in cardiac, bone and lung diagnostic tests, a new report shows.......because of Chalk River being shut down.......the Feds ruled out building a new reactor saying the 1 billion was too high......G8/G20 cost 1 billion......which would you have prefered?

Federal Fisheries Minister Gail Shea says Canada has the ability to respond to an oil spill after watching a Canadian Coast Guard exercise performing a mock disaster response on New Brunswick's Miramichi River......not so sure.....here are a couple of quotes from her......"I think it's something Canada could handle,"...."I guess the first order of business is to ensure that it doesn't happen here, and that we have the capacity to respond.".......think and guess?.....I guess I think we are in trouble.

Have a good weekend and/or Father's Day....e-mail me ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and I'm on Facebook and Twitter.

TIME IS NOT ON OUR SIDE....SO THERE JAGGER!!!

2010-06-16T09:47:00.001-03:00

More Canadians are feeling caught in a time crunch, struggling to meet the competing demands of work and family, according to a new report.....there is more but I didn't have time to read it.

Montreal-based Quebecor announced plans for Sun TV News, a new Canadian all-news TV network, in Toronto Tuesday.......The network is believed to be modelled after the commercially successful right-wing U.S. network Fox News Channel......I hope so....more material for comedians.

A 22-year-old Victoria woman claims she was misled by a man from India who, she says, married her to get into Canada and dropped her after he obtained his visa.......she say's....."His family thinks Canadian people are stupid"…...just the politicians dear.

Canadian Institute for Health Information released a report stating those who live in poor neighbourhoods were twice as likely to be hit by a car than those in the most affluent areas......I wonder if that has to do with the fact that they have to walk because they can't afford a car?

The author of a popular children's book about a character named "Sir Fartsalot" had a reading at an Ottawa public school cut short on Thursday over language the principal found objectionable......he was concerned about a character in the new book called "Mrs. Imavitch, which rhymes with a derogatory word.......sounds like the principal is a "nickhead"

Robert Pattinson, of Twilight fame said in an interview “I guess I just thought if too many good things happen, then you’re going to die at 30,”......don't worry crying teenage girls.....hopefully just his career will be dead by 30.

The $10-million complex on the CBU Campus opened yesterday.... includes a 57,780-square-foot air supported dome, a full size soccer turf field, an all-weather eight-lane track, beach volleyball courts and a community fitness centre......officials are calling it the battle against obesity and inactive people in Cape Breton.....psssst, I know where we can hide!

Thanks for reading, drop me a line at ben.burnett33@eastlink.ca and I'm on Facebook and Twitter.

HOLY COW...SORRY HARRY, HAWKS NOT THE CUBS

2010-06-10T12:36:00.000-03:00

Comedian Joan Rivers turned 76 years old this week....Joan is still smiling, of course due to all the surgery, she has no choice.

Over the last two years, prison guards have seized 129 cellphones from 52 facilities coast-to-coast, according to Corrections Canada......You can get upwards of $2,000, $2,500 for a smuggled cellphone......so if your looking for work and have a suitable body cavity.....

Many prison officials believe the true numbers of phones stashed inside correctional facilities to be in the thousands........Industry Canada does not currently allow "jamming" devices at prisons......that's not what I heard.

A recently published study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting......good news for high school grads entering law school

The UN Security Council imposed a new round of sanctions on Iran over their nuclear program.......this is going to blow Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's chances of getting on Dancing with the Stars next season.....(assisted by Number 1, Jerry Perisho)

A woman who allegedly pretended to be an AC/DC concert promoter has been accused of conning fans out of nearly $100,000 by planning a fake gig.....dam.....I thought I had them signed for my pig roast next week-end.

Keystone Entertainment Group Ltd. is seeking $6 million in damages over Aerosmith’s cancelled tour of the prairies and Vancouver last August, and its refusal to schedule new dates.......only one Canadian stop in Toronto on Aug. 17.......A spokesperson for Steven Tyler said he will be able to compensate......as soon as he returns last years empties.

Shania Twain's divorce from producer Robert "Mutt" Lange has been finalized, People.com reports......he may have turned her from men.....it's possible she could "Feel like a Woman"

Two Liberal Party advisers have sworn affidavits saying the federal party's president spoke to them about high-level discussions with NDP officials about the creation of a new party......and any such merger would "demand that the NDP renounce socialism.".......Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff called discussions of a merger "ridiculous.".......NDP leader Jack Layton said he doesn't care as long as he can get a seat at the bar for the World Cup.

Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq told a news briefing in Ottawa Wednesday that the new legislation will ban the manufacturing, import or marketing of any product considered unsafe.....The bill also gives the federal government the power to initiate a product recall.....and remove un-needed letters from a person's surname.

Raptors' Turkoglu wants to return to Sacramento..... OK thanks, watch the door doesn't hit your lazy ass on the way out Hedo.

Quebecor Media Inc. has filed an application for an English-language TV news network with the CRTC......a new, right-wing news channel modelled on the highly successful Fox News in the United States....."Big boob blonde's form a double line please......right, that's two fingers sweety, double means two"

The Global Anti-Counterfeiting Awards has honoured the RCMP for its role in efforts to combat counterfeiting......an RCMP spokesperson said a 30 year undercover operation has netted "several bogus Tim Cards" at various donut shops across the country.

In lab experiments, scientists found that fungus and mold was able to produce a high-quality biodiesel fuel.......good news, now you can gas up the car with that left-over tuna salad in the back of the fridge.

The Chicago Blackhawks are Stanley Cup champions for the first time in almost 50 years......still hope Toronto fans....as soon as hell freezes over.

Two men face weapons charges after a knife and carving fork were seized at the Dartmouth, N.S., courthouse......well in thier defense, you can run into some real turkeys at the courthouse. (Boooo)

On that note....come back soon....I'm on Facebook and Twitter....send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

BP SEEKS DUTCH BOY WITH BIG FINGERS

2010-06-03T13:41:00.000-03:00

The Sci-Fi Channel is coming out with a cooking show.......geeks need to learn how to cook.....they will never have a spouse to do it.

A French man with no arms or legs will attempt to swim across the English Channel...........wonder if his name is "Bob"?

A woman who was hit by a car is suing Google for map directions she got as a pedestrian in Utah..........she claims she couldn't find the big pin with the red ball on the end.

Aerosmith have announced thier Cocked, Locked, Ready To Rock Tour will kick off in Oakland, California on 23 July..........Vegas still has it at 3 to 1 Tyler falls off the stage within a week.

A report by a United Nations panel suggests the world's population should shift away from a meat-based diet and cut fossil fuel consumption.........at least I think they said that......I heard it on my way to Master Meats in my Suburban.

An international team of researchers began a simulation of a flight to Mars that will keep them locked in windowless modules for 520 days.......it's a six-member, all-male crew....three Russians, a Frenchman, an Italian-Colombian and a Chinese.....the French participant said he was bringing along a guitar so he could entertain the other team members.....how many Frere Jacques's 'til that thing is smashed over his head.

"Twist Of Kate" is set to air this fall.......Kate Gosselin takes on an a variety of jobs that ordinary people do....such as garbage collecting....the boss said...."If she worked at this job for a month or so, believe me, she would mambo like you’d never seen her before!”......eeew.....I just pictured her doing the mambo!

James Cameron, the director of Avatar and Titanic, joined scientists and other experts at a meeting with U.S. officials Tuesday in Washington to come up with possible fixes for the oil leak.......James Cameron?....was this caused by blue aliens?......he couldn't stop a boat from sinking.....he can't even get a decent haircut.

I get a kick out of watching the BP oil executives.....It's a nice mixture of certainty and cluelessness......like watching a kitten bat its paw at a python.

Have a good week-end everybody.....Friend me on Facebook, Follow on Twitter @ben_burnett or send an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca love to correspond.

WOW IT'S JUNE!!....OH WAIT...IT'S JUST WARD AND THE BOY'S.

2010-06-01T11:27:00.000-03:00

Paul McCartney was reportedly left fearing for his safety after his tour bus came under attack from a group of thugs in a tough area of Mexico on Friday night......officials were shocked when they finally captured the ring leader and discovered it was Ringo Star

Katy Perry has threatened her record label bosses she will fall pregnant if they refuse to cut back on her busy work schedule......the line forms here gentlemen.....one at a time please!!!!!

Joe Walsh has filed for a restraining order against his neighbour, who is an elderly man in his 70's, who allegedly threatened to kill him.......no wonder he "ain't never been there".....they tell him it's nice

Olivia Newton-John's former lover Patrick McDermott has no plans to contact his ex-girlfriend after he was discovered alive and well in Mexico five years after supposedly drowning in a boating accident........Man, I hate her singing too, but not that much......stop singing Grease!!!!!

Britney Spears has crushed all competition on Twitter.com......the pop princess has become the first person on the social networking site to garner more than 5 million followers.......of course it would take a bird brain.

Bret Michaels fuelled rumours he will replace Simon Cowell on American Idol as he made his concert comeback in Biloxi, Mississippi on Friday following a string of health scares.......which were corrected by 8 hours of surgery to loosen his bandana.

The Bank of Canada did the expected and raised its benchmark interest rate to 0.5 per cent on Tuesday, the first interest hike in nearly three years......yea....I'm not interested either.

Flooding and landslides from a tropical storm have killed at least 150 people and made thousands homeless in Central America, officials say.....hurricane season officially begins today so, that storm is actually illegal.

Sarah Ferguson told Oprah on her show today she had been drinking and was "not in my right place" when she was caught on video offering to sell access to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew......drinking, red hair.....she must be with the IRA.

Calgary MP Rob Anders is raising eyebrows for signing a card in support of Canadian troops with the handwritten message: "When in doubt, pull the trigger."......Anders must have thought the message was for American troops.

Women who need to take antidepressants early in pregnancy have an increased risk of miscarriage, Canadian researchers say.....the depression happens when they realize that the childs father is the one laying on the couch scratching, burping and farting.

Pregnant women and new mothers in Canada's North who are trying to quit smoking could get help from a $350,000 federal project......called the Blue Light Campaign, families will get a blue light bulb to install on their porch to signal the family has committed to smoking outdoors or to quitting altogether....not to be confused with the Red Light campaign, that caused the problem in the first place.

An expert panel advising the World Health Organization is weighing whether to declare the H1N1 flu pandemic over......or to continue scaring the hell out of people for another year or so.

Back to usual hopefully.....Find me on Facebook and send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

EASTER CHOCOLATE...IT'S GOOD FOR YOU....HAVE ANOTHER EAR

2010-04-01T15:00:00.000-03:00

On this day in 2002: The Netherlands legalizes euthanasia.......which means nothing because Holland is in Europe....duh!

Well ladies here is proof that being blond is gender nuetral.... TMZ and Harvey Levin suggests that people should not be travelling to Mexico because of the violence....he asks "Do you know what is going on down there?"....to which pretty boy with the long blonde hair replies...."Yea, they're charging American prices for beer....come on....it's Mexico man"

A genealogist for Ancestry.com has discovered that Madonna and Ellen DeGeneres are related through a 10th great-grandfather - Martin Aucoin of France - whose daughters emigrated to Nova Scotia in the early 1600s......when asked for comment, the matriarch of the Nova Scotia Aucoin's said "Good....more family to help with the eel fishing business"

The federal government tabled more than 6,000 pages of additional documents in the House of Commons Thursday......this comes one week after the government's initial tabling of 2,500 documents related to the Afghan detainee controversy......most of the text is blacked out.....the rest of it say's " "......riveting isn't it.

Scientists say elephants are like “4-wheel-drive animals”, with power being generated independently to each limb......not to be confused with the wild "Tiger".......all the power goes to one central limb. (Assisted by Jerry Perisho)

Shaw Communications will air the upcoming Masters golf tournament in 3-D, beating other Canadian cable and satellite distributors to the punch.....pass on this.....nobody want's David Feherty IN their living room.

A breakthrough in treating sleeping sickness has been announced by British and Canadian researchers.......they say they have found a compound that ca..........."zzzzzzz"

The cruise ship season will have it's earliest start ever in Sydney NS. this year.......the first passengers are scheduled to arrive in April 20 aboard the Costa Atlantica......the ship just sits there all day......hummm.....wonder if they leave the keys in those things?

The financial situation at First Nations University is so dire the school is facing the prospect of major layoffs and campus closings in spite of last-minute government funding......hey, what a about a casino!!!

A law that came into effect Thursday making it mandatory for doctors and nurses to tell police when they see patients with gunshot or stab wounds has some health professionals worried......."Don't you fret little lady....Marshall Dillon's here to protect you"

Have a good Easter everyone...send me a note at ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca @ben_burnett on Twitter and Facebook.

PAMELA ANDERSON HAS BIG....ISSUES

2010-03-31T13:11:00.000-03:00

The Canadian Transportation Agency has said WestJet's domestic cap of $250 for claims on luggage liability is unreasonable, and gave the airline until April 18 to respond....I think they just responded....189 suitcases just hit the ground from an overhead jet leaving Toronto.

Colombian rebels have freed a soldier who has been held hostage in the jungle for more than 12 years.....while trying to catch up on world events he missed over 12 years.....the soldier bolted back into the jungle after being exposed to "American Idol" for the first time.

More than 500 rabbits were discovered living inside a south Edmonton home.....the owner insists he was running a "Pregnancy Detection Center" and that business has been slow.

A Belgian parliamentary committee has voted to ban face-covering Islamic veils from being worn in public.....the committee chair tried to calm protests by explaining "A special committee will be formed to look at each case, for example, if the person is really ugly they will be encouraged to continue wearing the veil"

MARCH 31---The Humane Mouse Trap was patented on this day in 1908.....Instead of killing the mouse, this trap slipped a wire collar with a bell on it around his neck and turned him loose......he would scare away other mice.....maybe you could use this on sex addict's like Tiger and Jesse James.

A lot of soccer experts feel David Beckham should retire as he begins to recover from an Achilles tendon operation......that and the obvious head trauma he has endured from "heading" soccer balls for so many years.....look who he married for God's sake!

Hillary Clinton has taken issue with Prime Minister Stephen Harper's G8 initiative on maternal mortality, arguing that any effort to improve the health of mothers in poor countries must include access to abortion......Bill Clinton sent a memo to Harper stating...."Better do what she wants Stephan, or you will be on the couch again....oh wait...that's me..."

Some are wondering if Sandra Bullock will make her first public appearance at this Saturday’s Kids’ Choice Awards, where she is nominated for Favourite Movie Actress......the website for the awards features “fun facts” about the nominees: “Sandra is happily married to the tattooed superstar motorcycle maker and monster mechanic Jesse James.”......they should really edit this to add....."who sometimes likes to lubricate skanky walking billboards"

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton and Haitian Prime Minister Jean-Max Bellerive will co-chair a committee overseeing at least $3.8 billion in post-quake aid to Haiti....when asked to comment, the former U.S. President said "He's a big fella, but I think we can both squeeze into one chair"

Some 4,000 conservative Catholic university students in Rome for a convention, attacked journalists who have written about the sexual abuse of children by priests as "sowers of mistrust.".....the priest's were "sowing" a lot more then mistrust with that one furrow plough under their robes.

MARCH 31---The U.S. bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark for $25-million on this day in 1917......the next day they tried to return the islands when they discovered the natives were not all virgins....to which the Danes replied......April Fools!!!!

Pamela Anderson has personally filed a series of Access to Information requests in an effort to prove the seal hunt actually costs Canadian taxpayers money...."For the many Canadians who travel abroad, like me, it's a huge embarrassment.".......A government spokesperson said in response...."For the many Canadians who travel abroad, like me, Pamela Anderson is a huge embarrassment."

Send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and blog updates are on Twitter @ben_burnett and friend me on Facebook.

SCARY U.S. WOMEN IN CANADA, 2 WEEKS IN A ROW

2010-03-30T14:21:00.000-03:00

The Washington Nationals say President Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the team's opening day game April 5 ........he's a lefty........what a coup to sign him as a middle reliever.

NASA and the National Academy of Sciences are joining the government's effort to figure out what caused the sudden acceleration problems that led to Toyota's massive recalls.......next time you stop in at Earl's Garage down the road for a problem, ask him if he could get his team of rocket scientists to check it out.

The red replica Ferrari 250GT Spyder California sports car made famous in the hit '80s film Ferris Bueller's Day Off will be on the auction block just north of London next month.....the current owner claims it still has the smell that was caused when Matthew Broderick shit himself.

Toyota is not the only Canadian vehicle manufacturer to have problems with sticky gas pedals causing accidental acceleration, according to an analysis of 12 years' worth of Transport Canada recall data.....sorry?......oh, that sound you hear is lawyer drool dripping on gleaming mahogany.

A copy of the 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1, which features Superman's debut sold Monday for $1.5 million US in an online auction........Superman would be useless today......the Chinese use all the kryptonite in toy paint.

Ten cents on the dollar may be the most investors in southern Ontario will get in return for their estimated $50 million in loans entrusted to Ponzi suspect Robert Mander......Mander's lawyers insist that and the accompanying fruit basket, pen and calendar should be more then enough.

Organizers of the Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo are hoping to resolve a dispute over a set of stairs that is keeping the 83 yr old Queen from attending the event.....they are now looking at a high wire entrance like the one used by Pink at the Grammy awards.

A Tennessee man who ran naked through a grocery store has been charged with indecent exposure......it did reinforce the fact that subliminal advertising works...the store’s sales of sausage skyrocketed. (Many thanks to Jerry Perisho for an assist on this one....check out his blog....link on the right)

Scientists say that tobacco could be used as a biofuel in the future......the only problem found is when you're low on fuel.....the car becomes irritable.

The world's largest atom smasher set a record for high-energy collisions on Tuesday by crashing proton beams into each other at three times more force than ever before......this could be dangerous......?backwards going starts time if What....oh oh.

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton told CBC's The Hour that the United States would like Canada to stay in Afghanistan after 2011......after the camera's were shut off she said "No reason for both our country's to be there......we could go off and attack some one else"

Drop me a line at ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca or on Twitter @ben_burnett and I can be found on Facebook getting insulted by friends and family.

ANN COULTER MISTAKEN FOR ANTELOPE..RELEASED SOMEWHERE IN BANFF NATIONAL PARK

2010-03-26T15:42:00.000-03:00

Winnipeg remains the robbery capital of Canada, according to a report analyzing holdups, and Manitoba was tops among provinces and territories.....more on this story when the reporter gets another blackberry.....he was robbed at gunpoint this morning.

Saturday March 27 is earth hour, people around the world are encouraged to turn off their lights from 8:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. local time.....one question.....what will happen if I get a good idea during that hour?.....you know, a "lightbulb" moment....hey....it could happen!

A team of scientists looking at Einstein's theory of relativity say he was right and most of the universe is dark, dark matter and dark energy, and they have absolutely no clue what its physical nature is.....if you google "dark matter" a picture of Dick Cheney appears.

President Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev agreed on Friday to sharp cuts in the nuclear arsenals of both nations......North Korean leader Kim Jong Il ordered his staff to start searching for these on E-Bay.

Californians will vote in November on whether they want to be the first Americans to legalize marijuana for personal use.......in other news.....the So-Cal Association of Fast-Food Restaurants predict a spike in sales early in 2011.

George Zimmer, founder and chief executive of the men's clothing chain Men's Wearhouse is said to be the largest doner of the California pot legalization campaign...."You won't care the way you look...I gaurantee it"

A Dutch hacker won $10,000 for busting into IE8 on Windows 7 in 2 minutes......after the feat he apologized for taking so long, explaining he had to take that call from Steve Jobs.

Government owned BC Rail executives have managed 38 kilometres of track and zero trains for 6 years in which time they have received just over $10-million in executive compensation......now the two executives, that's right 2....will be getting $600,000 in severance as it shuts down.....recap....38 km of track with no trains.....6 years.....over $10 and a 1/2 million....two guy's.....how do you get on these gravy trains?

Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall says he's disappointed that 16 University of Regina professors are protesting a scholarship program called Project Hero for the children of fallen soldiers who receive free tuition for four years, as well as $1,000 for books.....it's amazing how our smartest people can also be the stupidest.

Ann Coulter's cross Canada comedy tour continued in Cowtown (Calgary) last night, where her reception was not as bitter as Ottawa, unfortunately......she said she still intends to file a complaint with the Canadian Human Rights Commission that she is a victim of hate speech......and if anybody knows hate speech....it's Ann Coulter.

It's Friday!!!...whatever that means....oh yea, more NCAA @ben_burnett for blog updates on Twitter...I'm heckling on Facebook now and then, better yet e-mail me ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

ANN COULTER STILL HERE...SADLY

2010-03-25T17:20:00.000-03:00

A researcher says paintings of “The Last Supper” throughout the years show that the perceived standard serving size has grown tremendously......the latest rendition shows a girl in a paper hat in the window behind them asking "Do want fries with that?"

According to the Cancer Advocacy Coalition Canada, provincial politicians and top bureaucrats across Canada have better access to cancer drugs and treatment than their constituents......wonder if any of them will give us the infamous "I'm entitled to my entitlements!"

Anybody else sick of hearing about the head-shot rule change for the NHL?......if they don't stop talking about it....I'll be giving myself a head-shot into a wall.

The only NHL player who doesn't care about the head shot rule is Zdeno Charra.....at six foot nine, nothing comes close to him anyway.

Up to 100 Australian police officers are being investigated over racist, homophobic and pornographic e-mails that have been circulated among officers in the state of Victoria.....this news has shocked about 2 people in the country.

Nasty alert: Watching the Womens World Curling Championships......couldn't help but notice the German women have Mickey Rourke as thier skip....and not the young handsome version.

More on the German women....no wonder the German's started so many wars.....they didn't have to worry about the occupying forces messing with thier women......BOOOO

Prince Charles paid tribute to his country's forces in Afghanistan on a surprise tour Thursday in which he also met local leaders....video from the meeting captured young children running to get under the shade his ears created.

Most Canadians could afford the modest price increase they'd be subject to if TV networks get approval to charge cable and satellite companies for their over-the-air signals, says the CRTC..... the CRTC knows everything....they know what you want to watch and listen to.....they know how much money you have.....they even know who your sleeping with.....who do you think broke the Tiger Woods story?

Air pollution from Asia, India and Indonesia is transported into the global stratosphere by the summer monsoon season, a study using a Canadian satellite has found.....that explains my craving Tandoori Chicken and Makki Roti every night.

Osama bin Laden purportedly dispensed more threats towards Americans in a new audio tape......he also said the yin to his yang Ann Coulter would continue her tour of Canada....oh and he knew Kansas would lose.

Have a wonderful weekend....friend me on Facebook @ben_burnett on Twitter send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

ANN COULTER A VICTIM IN CANADA...AWWW

2010-03-24T13:51:00.000-03:00

Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher says he'll likely never recover from an on stage attack in Toronto that left him feeling like he "had been hit by a bus."......the defense has asked that Gallagher be hit by a bus so he can be sure the comparison is accurate.

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty will ask Canadians how best to reform the country's pension system.......some options he said were: beefing up mandatory contributions, adding a voluntary supplement, better educating the public and lethal injection at age 70.

International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge says close attention will be paid to athletes suspected of doping and lying about their age at the first Summer Youth Games in Singapore this year.....upset Russian officials claim a lot of 14 yr old girls have beards and biceps.

The Government in New Brunswick will propose new anti-bullying legislation on Wednesday that will give educators more power to address problem situations.....the head of the school board said "We don't think tasers will cause permanent damage to teens"

Irish bishop quits, begs 'forgiveness and pardon' from children abused by priests he shielded.....let the healing begin by letting the bishop and the abused spend some quality time alone.....in a locked, sound-proof room.

Here's a thought....want to be a Catholic priest?....agree to chemical castration....if your vow is real....it should not matter.

Police in Connecticut say they had ample warning of a bank robbery because the two suspects called the bank ahead of time and told an employee to get a bag of money ready.....and to put on "sumpin frilly cuz we're hittin the town tonight"

The trial of a Canadian soldier accused of killing a wounded and disarmed Taliban fighter in Afghanistan will begin today.....he claims it was a mercy killing.....gives a new twist to the old farmer saying of "shoot, shovel and shut-up!"

Statistics Canada reports 698,800 people received regular Employment Insurance benefits in January, down 47,700 from December......in other news....47,700 new welfare cases reported in January said Statscan.

Scientists conducting a survey for the U.S. military say they photographed an endangered right whale giving birth near the coast of Georgia......a left whale, who refused to be identified, said the un-married whale in question had spent alot of time off the coast of Argentina last year.

A new species of dinosaur has emerged from the rocks in the western state of Utah.....named the "Polygusaurus" peculier to the region, the large plant eater was always surrounded by smaller, perhaps female creatures....paleontologists suggest in-breeding may have led to their demise.

JetBlue is keeping its corporate headquarters in New York City after considering a possible move to Orlando, Fla......the airline and New York State have also agreed to a joint branding deal for the iconic "I Love NY" logo......it will be very visable given the jets rarely move.

Ann Coulter took aim at a University of Ottawa administrator Monday night, saying an e-mail from the school warning her to use “restraint, respect and consideration” when addressing Ontario students during a speaking tour this week made her a victim of a “hate crime.” .....she will be filing a complaint with the Human Rights Commission alleging hate speech......it's true.....no joke here.....oh OK....Whats the diff between Ann Coulter and a camel?....although they look the same.....a camel has bigger humps and is usefull.

Ann now moves to the U of Alberta for her next session of verbal diarrhea.... @ben_burnett for Twitter friend me on Facebook drop me a note at ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

IS THAT ANN COULTER OR A CAMEL?...HARD TO TELL

2010-03-23T12:50:00.000-03:00

The restaurant chain Friendly's is anything but.....advertising create your own meal for $9.99.....apparently Prosciutto wrapped Duck Breast with Linganberry sauce and a side of steamed white asparagus with a hint of truffle oil isn't what they meant.

Rick Nash for the Columbus Blue Jackets is listed in the teams injury report as "lower body/flu".....that really means he has the shits....don't go near him.

Blockbuster Video may file for bankruptcy.......customers have been confused since the DVD came out.....they don't know how to re-wind them.

British Airways are entering 5th day of cabin crew strike......passengers say service has increased to bearable.

Watching the NCAA March Madness over the week-end on CBS.....every time Jim Nantz spoke, I was waiting for David Feherty to break in...."Jim, it's shots like that, that'll put you in the broadcast booth"

More on the NCAA basketball......try saying woeful Wofford after 6 rye and waters.

The Canadian government's $47.2-billion stimulus package contributed little to the country's economic turnaround, a study from the Fraser Institute suggests.....although it did keep one researcher busy at the Fraser Insitute.

Michael Jackson's doctor halted CPR on the dying pop star and delayed calling paramedics so he could collect drug vials at the scene according to a member of Jackson's entourage.....Dr. Murray said he was going to return the drugs to the pharmacy because they didn't seem to be working properly.

Ontario has suspended a program aimed at fast-tracking the certification of some foreign doctors.....Toronto patients of a newly placed doctor from Zimbabwe were perplexed when they were asked to pay for services with roosters and goats.

Warner Bros. says it will open a development studio in Montreal ......for language reasons Pepe Le Pew will be in charge of operations.

Golf Channel's Kelly Tilghman has been fielding alot of questions about her interview with Tiger.....what everyone really wants to know is how long did it take him to ask her out.

The waste of oxygen that is Ann Coulter was in Canada to give a speech at the U of Western Ontario.....the American is famous for saying Canadians are "lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent" and the unforgettable "all Muslims be banned from airlines and use flying carpets.".....when a 17 yr old muslim girl told Coulter she didn't have a flying carpet, Coulter told her to "take a camel.".......she should have added that if the girl has "never seen a camel, they look alot like me, only prettier."

Thank God for free speech drop me a line ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca @ben_burnett on Twitter and find me on Facebook.

GOLF WEATHER!....FORE...OOPS!

2010-03-19T11:24:00.000-03:00

U.S. President Barack Obama made a rare appearance Wednesday on Fox News.....he must think he's Capt. Kirk....."to boldly go where no sane politician has gone before"

Tools suggest the ancestors of the hobbit-like species of humans colonized the Indonesian island of Flores much earlier than previously thought......hey....I'm not crazy about researchers either but there is no need to call them names.

Pepsi announces all sugary soft drinks will be removed from schools by 2012.....2012?....are they using one truck for the whole planet?

RadarOnline.com has learned that Charlie Sheen – by his own choice – is being followed by a “sober coach” all day to make sure that he does not drink or do drugs......I thought all married men had one of those.....it's called a "wife".....I suppose in this case....

The Pope has sent a letter to Irish Catholics saying he hopes it will start the healing......to which the victims of abuse replied "If there's a big cheque with the letter".

A Swiss watch designer has made a watch from dinosaur dung.......now when you point at your watch and say it's a shitty time of the day......you really mean it.

Eighties pop icon Boy George was in for a shock when he met Lady Gaga for the first time.......she asked him to autograph her genitalia........Boy George was aghast, stating "everyone knows I don't touch those things"

A scholar says he has found a “lost” Shakespearean play.......the plot sounds interesting..........something about blue creatures that live in a fantasy world.

ABBA star Anni-Frid Reuss has ruled out a much-anticipated band reunion, insisting it's "too late for that" at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony in New York on Monday night........and I think I speak for all rock and roll fans every where when I say "Thankyou...thankyou....thankyou!!!!!"

John McCain and Sarah Palin will campaign together in Arizona for his Senate re-election bid......that reveals that deep down he wants to retire.

Escalating tension in the Middle East since VP Joe Biden left the area....."Where should I go now Barack?....Korea?"

A study says that people in power make better liars.....obviously those researchers never watched Tiger's press release.

Watching the PGA Transitions Championship and can't help but notice that Kenny Perry is sponsored by them.....waiting for Kenny to say....... "if I didn't have these goddam glasses on, I might be able to putt!!"

While on the golf subject, wouldn't it be great to be rich enough to have a house on a course that hosts a PGA event?.....just sit in your back yard and wait patiently for an errant drive....."Hey Mickelson.....get the %$@& off my lawn!!!!!!"

Dats all for today....weather in Cape Breton this week is amazing....people in T-shirts....read a good one yesterday....cartoon bear picking his teeth say's "Send more hunters...the last ones were delicious!" drop me a line ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca or follow on Twitter @ben_burnett and you can sometimes find me iritating people on Facebook.

NOW THE LIBERALS WILL WANT TO PROROGUE...

2010-03-18T12:18:00.000-03:00

A study of 120 babies, age five months to 2 years, found that they are born to dance......some babies were able to synchronize their movements to the beat.....the study ended with all the babies crying as one of the researchers played Amy Winehouse.

A 77 yr old woman in rural Nova Scotia has had to prove to the government TWICE that she is alive......I'm not sure I could do that.

Today is the day the swallows return to Capistrano, California.....they have been drinking Mexican water and tequila all winter.....tarp your car and stay indoors.

Mattel announced Friday it will offer new Barbie and Ken dolls based on the TV show Mad Men.......clever marketing......because in a few years all the dolls will be replaced because of lung cancer and liver disease.

Alex Chilton has died at 59 from heart problems.....he was a teenager with the pop-soul outfit the Box Tops which topped the charts with the song "The Letter" in 1967......apparently he just got around to reading the bad news in it.

In celebration of St. Patrick’s Day yesterday, New York lit up the Empire State Building in green.…either that or the Jolly Green Giant was really jolly yesterday......(with an assist to Jerry Perisho)

A court in Poland found three men guilty in the December theft of a notorious sign from the former Auschwitz concentration camp......the men claim a toy factory in China wanted it.

Tension is building between Canada and Russia after Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told a session of his Security Council that his country must be prepared to defend its claims to Arctic mineral riches.....here's an idea.....let's play hockey for it.

It’s being reported that Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James had an affair with a tattoo model named Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.......insiders say she was "blind-sided".....I know, I know....BAD.

Free-agent guard Richie "Incognito" signed a one-year contract with the Miami Dolphins on Wednesday......The Dolphins will be the third NFL team since December......sadly, no one ever notices him.

The ruling Conservatives have widened their lead over the Liberals even though they have only been back in parliament for two weeks, an EKOS poll suggests.........Liberals are calling for the government to prorogue.

That's all for today....my colour has gone from "shamrock" to "sage" e-mail me ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca @ben_burnett for Twitter and I'm usually heckling people on Facebook.

PM HARPER AND YOUTOOL..ER..YOUTUBE

2010-03-17T12:53:00.001-03:00

President Dmitry Medvedev said Russia must defend its claims to the Arctic by strengthening border guard forces in the region......"If our athletes can no longer ski or skate........we must find something for them to do"

Higher oil prices will not be enough for Newfoundland and Labrador to balance the books in the upcoming budget, Premier Danny Williams says......."That heart surgery I had in the States cost more then I thought"

Germany's leader Angela Merkel called the Catholic sex abuse scandal a major challenge to German society and warned the only way to come to terms with it was to "find out everything that has happened."......she initially used the word "probe" but quickly retracted it hearing the snickers of the mostly male parliament.

Drone kills 9 in Pakistan.........I didn't know Prime Minister Harper was giving a speech there?

Wal-Mart officials are reviewing security tapes to try to determine who used a New Jersey store's public-address system to tell "all black people" to leave......I'd check where they sell sheets.

Wal-Mart officials are reviewing security tapes to try to determine who used a New Jersey store's public-address system to tell "all black people" to leave.....it was all a mis-understanding.....a "flash mob" dance was about to begin and they didn't want to embarrass the white people.

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career.....to the relief of music fans everywhere.

People in Fargo, N.D., are scrambling to protect buildings along the rising Red River.....wow.....who would have thought there would be flooding along the Red River.

The world's shortest man, Pingping of China, who was 2' 5", has died in Italy, where he was to take part in a TV show......fellow country-man and NBA star 7' 6" Yao Ming said he would miss him......"I used to shove him down my shorts when I was picking up chicks"

A recently released document shows how U.S. federal investigators are using Facebook to gather evidence and uncover suspects' private information........Aha.....I knew they were screwing with my Farmville!!!!

Family and friends cheered as the destroyer HMCS Athabaskan and its crew of 240 arrived back home in Halifax after an eight-week deployment in Haiti......the reunions will begin once the ship is unloaded.......and the Haitian refugees clinging to the sides are removed.

Michael Jackson's estate will get up to $250 million in the next seven years......Elvis turns to Michael and say's......."I told ya son, just disappear and your rich again.....now pass me some fried chicken"

Antiques Roadshow 400 yrs from now........"This chair dates from the late 20th, early 21st century.....you can tell the owner was a Toronto hockey fan, given the marks here, you can see where his fingers were dug in to the upholstery"

Prime Minister Stephen Harper fielded questions on hot topics in his first YouTube interview Tuesday night, and the favourites by far concerned the legalization of marijuana......."It would be too easy to tax weed and wipe out the deficit".....pssst....he didn't say that....it's just what everybody hoped.

Hey say hi by sending an e-mail to ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca Twitter is @ben_burnett and friend me on Facebook....just don't screw with my Farmville!!!

WILD TIGERS EXTINCT? TODAY'S BOTTOM POST...

2010-03-16T12:52:00.000-03:00

That spring ahead one hour thing must really screw up Jack Bauer of "24"......I suppose he tortures people over lunch to make up for it.

A Montreal man the FBI once called Canada's biggest movie pirate will be sentenced on Tuesday for illegally distributing copyrighted material on the internet.....the harshest part of his sentence calls for "Hannah Montana: The Movie" to be played on a loop in his cell.

Several Toyota executives are scheduled to appear at a House of Commons committee hearing in Ottawa to answer questions about recent recalls....and to finish up the seal meat in the Parliament cafeteria that nobody will eat.

The Toronto Transit Commission won't say what punishment a driver might face after allegedly driving a bus while intoxicated......the driver's union has been pushing for a vodka only rule for driver's......passenger's can't smell it.

The last known wild wolverine in the state of Michigan was found dead this weekend, apparently of natural causes......although the people who found it swear they could hear the song "Cat Scratch Fever" playing close by.

A 600-pound woman in New Jersey says she's okay with being fat and actually is trying to gain another 400 pounds.......isn't that "Precious?"

Facebook is opening an operations office in India, its first in Asia.......oh, that's great.....now there will be "Quiky-Martvilles" all over Facebook.

Lady Gaga has sparked fears for her health after she appeared "dazed and dizzy" during a concert in Auckland, New Zealand on Sunday......I figure you would have to be "dazed and dizzy" to buy her concert tickets.

Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament...........when asked to comment John McEnroe said......"You want a spat....I'll give you a spat.....how could you call that a spat....are you out of your mind.....this is a spat......you idiot!!!!!"

"Taking on Tyson" will be a new show on Animal Planet that will pit Mike Tyson, a novice pigeon racer, against serious competitors and promises to bring audiences inside this "intensely competitive and bizarrely fascinating world."......oh it will be bizarre alright....especially when Mike bites the head off his losing pigeon.

The world has failed at protecting tigers in the wild, bringing an animal that is a symbol to "the verge of extinction," a top United Nations wildlife official said Monday.....in other news the first pictures of Tiger and Elin surfaced Monday, perhaps bringing an end to Tiger in the wild......

Back to my regular schedule again.... @ben_burnett for Twitter... Friend me on Facebook.... and say hi by e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

FREE BOTTLED BEER DAY

2010-03-11T16:10:00.000-04:00

A company is now offering you the chance to have a stuffed toy version of yourself created, just by sending them a picture.....it's the ultimate gift for some one who likes playing with themselves.

A rally by the Canadian Liberated Urban Chicken Klub (CLUCK), was held in Calgary Wednesday night as about 100 people rallied for a bylaw change that would make raising the birds in backyards legal..........violence erupted because The Canadian Egg-Lovers Club claimed they were there first.

Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care......Bill Clinton called Pres. Obama and said the U.S. should not model thier health care after the Netherlands.

A St. John's man accused of using fake identification and credit cards to defraud local businesses has been granted bail........he paid with a credit card.

A 7.2-magnitude aftershock and four other tremors hit Chile Thursday, triggering a tsunami alert just minutes before billionaire Sebastian Pinera was sworn in as the new president......do you think the last president knew something?

U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden begged Israelis and Palestinians to stop squabbling because it has marred his trip to the region......"I'm VP, I told you 2 weeks ago, I don't do anything"

After hosting the warmest Winter Games on record and being mocked around the world for the lack of snow.....Cypress Mountain received 37 centimetres of snow between Wednesday and Thursday morning.......angry resort officials quickly loaded the snow on trucks and had it shipped to Whistler.....saying "It's too late now"

A bottled water company celebrated Bottled Water Free Day on Thursday inviting Toronto residents to "Get free bottled water today."......Cedar Springs gave away glass bottles of water to people who called and asked for them.......can't wait for "Bottled Beer Free Day".....right Molson's?

A new Canadian-led study has added to a scientific dispute over flu-shot campaigns......the study calls for high-quality research into other anti-flu measures, such as enhanced use of hand washing, face masks, early detection of the virus with nose swabs and quarantining nursing-homes......"but then we can't make billions of dollars" said every pharmaceutical in the world.

At the "Seal Meat Lunch" on Parliament Hill Wednesday, Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff tried some seal pate and pronounced it "delicious actually ... a little gamey, like caribou or something.".......he left abruptly muttering "Heidi Klum?"

Conan O'Brien has announced "The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television Tour", and promises "A night of music, comedy, hugging and the occasional awkward silence.".......comedy......must be bringing comedians with him.

Winter is officially over, according to Environment Canada.....and it was one of the warmest and driest across the country since 1948.......that should gaurantee the mother of all snow storms the end of March.

Gotta go....follow me on Twitter @ben_burnett I'm on Facebook and send me a word or two ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

PALIN OWES FOR MEDICAL CARE

2010-03-09T14:41:00.000-04:00

During a weekend speech in Calgary, Sarah Palin acknowledged her family used medical care in Whitehorse, the capital of Canada's Yukon Territory, decades ago....the head of Whitehorse Hospital said he recalls giving her a lobotomy in 1971.

Governor General Michaelle Jean is in quake-ravaged Haiti and spoke to the people, telling them......"You are not alone......there are people all over the world who are miserable"

The revelation that Canada's spy agency interrogated captured Taliban fighters raises the spectre of a Canadian rendition program in Afghanistan, opposition critics said Monday......a spokesperson for CSIS said...."After capturing the men and letting them freshen up, have a quick snack and unwind from the battle field, we would sometimes ask thier opinions on world matters"

Women who have between one and two drinks a day may be better at controlling their weight than women who don’t consume alcohol, a new study suggests.....in other news Kirstie Alley launches hostile take-over of Black & White Scotch.

A California man was driving his Prius on a busy freeway outside San Diego when he noticed his car was starting to accelerate on its own......the terrified motorist was helpless as the car raced along the road at speeds of more than 90 miles per hour.......anyone figured out what the "N" is for on the gear shift?

Vice President Joe Biden assured Israel on Tuesday of Washington's commitment to its security and preventing Iran from producing nuclear weapons.....shortly after, Biden and his entourage set out for some backpacking near the Iranian border.

Former Alberta Conservative MP Rahim Jaffer has pleaded guilty to "careless driving" and will pay a $500 fine.....he was initially charged with driving while having more than 80 milligrams of alcohol in one hundred millilitres of blood, speeding and possession of cocaine....the new charge was agreed after the prosecution “carefully reviewed” the case....I think that really means....."carefully counted what was in the briefcase."

Bidding for one of the most coveted domain names on the web, Sex.com, will begin at $1-million USD.....the existing owner, a Mr. T. Woods, was not available to comment.

A Sony Senior Vice President told a news conference yesterday......“We at Sony will liberate 3D from the confines of movie theatres and make it something that people can enjoy at home,”.........he went on to say the devices will be made of wood or plastic with glass, and they go in your wall.....he added more expensive versions that "open", could re-create smells and temperature changes.

Ursula Burns, the outspoken new chief executive of Xerox, wants to improve her employees’ performance by encouraging them to be bolder, more frank and impatient with each other.......so tomorrow....."Ted, I know your my boss, but your a dick-head and your constant sniffling makes me fucking sick, your wife's a boozy bitch who's been banging your neighbor and where the hell is the laptop I asked for this morning!"

The Grammy Award-winning rapper "Lil Wayne" delivered only a brief bow to fans and supporters as he was led out of a courtroom in handcuffs to face his sentence....his future cell mate "Big Wayne" suggests his bows will not be as brief at Rikers.

Drop me a line, be bold, frank and impatient ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca @ ben_burnett for tweets and friend me on Facebook

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY!....WHEN DO WE EAT?

2010-03-08T16:18:00.000-04:00

The Conservative government will be cutting 245 jobs from agencies, boards and commissions, a move that will save Ottawa more than $1 million......including the 14 positions at the Canadian Council on the Status of the Artist....."he" said he would miss them.

The French navy has captured 35 piracy suspects off Somalia's coast......no.....I'm sure.....the French.....

North Korea said on Monday it had put its army on full combat alert, ready to "blow up" South Korea as joint drills between the South and the United States got underway.....North Korean leader Kim Jong-il was seen scurrying to his bunker which is made from a WWII American army helmet.

Seal meat hors-d'oeuvre and main courses will be on the lunch menu at the parliamentary restaurant on Wednesday......MP's who had already sampled seal meat said they were amazed at how easy it is now to balance a ball on your nose while clapping your hands.

The University of Queensland in Australia studied marijuana use and found people who were vulnerable to psychosis, in other words had isolated psychotic symptoms, "were more likely to commence cannabis use, which could then subsequently contribute to an increased risk of conversion to a non-affective psychotic disorder," the research said..........I think it makes more sense if you smoke a joint.

Iran's Parliament on Monday approved the budget for the year ending March 2011, allocating $347 billion to the government based on an oil price of 65 dollars a barrel......President Ahmadinejad explained $346.9 billion will go to further research nuclear wea.....medicine.

Methane is leaking into the atmosphere from unstable permafrost in the Arctic Ocean and could worsen global warming, a study said Thursday......scientists had previously concluded the methane was from whale farts.

The federal government announced yesterday that it has formally designated al-Shabab from Somalia a terrorist organization under Canadian law........a spokesman for the organization replied......."PFFFFFFFFT".....Stay tuned.......

Today is International Women's Day and world leaders and international organizations are calling for more rights and opportunities for women in order to help solve many of the world's problems.....I suppose we should move past "barefoot and pregnant, chained to the stove"

On Twitter for blog up-dates @ben_burnett I'm on Facebook and please say hi e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

BACK TO WORK IN OTTAWA

2010-03-05T15:35:00.000-04:00

A family that survived the earthquake in Haiti....just nicely arrived in Chile and endured the quake there.....the U.N. said today no other country will risk taking in the family.

Sean Penn has opened fire on critics of his recent mercy mission to Haiti, stating he hopes they all die of rectal cancer.....and he is an expert on that end of the body being one himself.

A man sitting in the passenger seat of a car driving down the wrong side of a Newfoundland highway has been charged with impaired driving....Police said the 55 year-old man was teaching a 21-year-old woman how to drive......leaving the police station the man said he may re-think his new career in driver education.

The driver who accused supermodel Naomi Campbell of assaulting him said Thursday through his lawyer that he “got angry and overreacted” and regrets involving the police......as he thumbed through crisp $100 bills.

At least 15 drivers in the States claim that the Toyota's they own are still accellerating after the "fix".....Toyota now claims they are not responible.....the cars are possessed.

This day in 1496: King Henry VII of England authorises John Cabot and his sons to explore unknown lands...they were lost until they saw land and a big sign that said "Cabot Trail---Next Right"

A new study claims that regular use of aspirin could cause hearing loss in men.....I SAID A NEW STUDY CLAIMS........never mind.....I SAID NEVER MIND!!!!!

Snoop Dogg has won a legal battle to gain entry to the U.K..... three years after government officials banned him from Britain......the Dogg said he is happy that he no longer has to sneak in to the country dressed as Amy Winehouse.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is reportedly suffering from severe depression........well he hasn't had any female back-packing international spies to torture recently.

Sarah Palin will write a new book reflecting her "patriotic and spiritual values.".....I'm still sounding out the words in her first book.

Scientists wants to give the name "Hella" to a number that is represented by a 1 followed by 27 zeros......that is appropriate......27 is a "hella" of a lot of zeros.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: The True Story is a book coming out soon by author Jenny Paul.....in it she claims Jolie slept with Mick Jagger around the time she appeared in the 1997 Rolling Stones video for Anybody Seen My Baby......"the dingos ate your baby" is what Jagger said to make her vulnerable.

Opposition MPs wasted no time during the first question period in the new session of Parliament to renew their condemnation of Prime Minister Stephen Harper's decision to prorogue Parliament for six weeks.....the Prime Minister responded with "If you start picking on me again....I'm going home"

Have a nice week-end Twitter for blog updates @ben_burnett Friend me on Facebook and don't forget to say HI by e-mailing ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

OH CANADA...HOW DOES THAT GO?

2010-03-04T16:05:00.000-04:00

London's Houses of Parliament, also known as Westminster Palace, has rodents, and the peers aren't exactly sure what to do about it......the Queen has offered the services of the Royal Mouse-catcher....."The Earl of Sylvester"

Police have released the identity of a man who was charged after someone without pants tried to get into the Regina mayor's office....it was all a big mistake, no tiolet paper in the parliament washroom......he had heard the mayor had it stored in his office.

Jessica Simpson almost broke down in tears during an interview with Oprah Winfrey over comments John Mayer made about their sex life........mainly because he hasn't called her since.

Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger retired yesterday after landing in Charlotte, North Carolina.....actually Sully landed in the Atlantic for old time sake....he wanted to "go out with a splash"

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty brings down his fifth federal budget with talk of a new jobs strategy......so everybody will have a job tomorrow.....everyone should line up at the employment office, 8:00 AM ready to go.

In St. Petersburg, Florida, police received a report of a suspicious paper bag near the door of a building which houses courtrooms and several government offices......The bomb squad discovered the bag contained a croissant.....dam those French....what if it had egg salad on it!

Researchers have found the fossil remains of a dinosaur cousin that lived 243 million years ago, making it the oldest known dinosaur relative.....never changes....lend your cousin some spare leaves....they disappear!

Lily Allen’s Twitter.com attacks on Courtney Love have turned to pity and concern....."Having read her twitter updates and found them quite hard to decipher, I think she is in trouble and in need of help".....to which the world replied....."Duh"

Rescue crews have freed a worker who had been trapped in a 15-metre-tall corn silo for more than five hours at a grain storage facility 45 kilometres south of Ottawa......the man was in good shape.....except he couldn't stop telling bad jokes.....corny (sigh)

Disgraced Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich spoke at Northwestern University Tuesday night on ethics and morals in government......they tried to get Richard Nixon but.......

A recently found star in a distant dwarf galaxy is supporting the idea that the Milky Way "ate" other galaxies.....astronomers will now refer to the Milky Way as "The Kirstie Alley"

Tiger Woods' caddie Steve Williams says he knew nothing about the golfer's extramarital affairs and was angry with him over the scandal......"He could have at least given me seconds."

A Kentucky sheriff says a claustrophobic deputy has lost his job after accidentally locking himself in a jail cell and trying to shoot his way out of it......I thought Barney Fife had retired.

NFL---The Colts announced Wednesday that Peyton Manning had surgery in Chicago to fix a pinched nerve that was causing a pain the neck...it had to be something....because they released Mike Vanderjagt four years ago.

O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command......they are reviewing our national anthem and will make it gender nuetral.....if we keep consuming atrazine, which changes gender in frogs.....it won't matter.

Gotta go....budget speech is coming on....riveting stuff. Follow me on Twitter for blog posting's @ben_burnett or Facebook e-mail ben.burnett33@eastlink.ca

NEVER LICK A 3 EYED FISH

2010-03-03T15:09:00.001-04:00

This day in 1875: The first ever organized indoor game of ice hockey is played in Montreal, Canada......as well as the first use of the phrase "Leafs Suck".

French Prime Minister Francois Fillon declared his country a "national catastrophe" after a winter storm unleashed hurricane-force winds that battered France....... plunging temperatures to record lows.......the Prime Minister apologized for not having white wine to serve coastal residents while delivering relief pate and fromage.

Same sex marriage is legal in Washington, D.C. as of today......might as well....what happens on a honeymoon happens in D.C. daily regardless of gender.

The 13-year-old son of Jermaine Jackson, Jafar, ordered a stun gun through the mail and had it sent to the Jackson family home.....Jermaine Jackson's children live in the home as well as Michael's children.....who wouldn't if Joe Jackson's hanging around.

Lil Wayne was heading to his sentencing after pleading guilty in a 2007 gun case but a fire shut down the courthouse and postponed the already-delayed proceeding.....it's a government ploy to save money.....they figure sooner or later someone will shoot him anyway.

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin and University of Michigan found that children aged three to five succumbed to the same marketing pressures as young adults....so don't be surprised to find a pony being delivered when you get home today.

One of the most common weed killers in the world, atrazine, can chemically castrate male frogs, turning them into females that lay eggs.....if this evolves up the food chain.....how soon 'til I can go screw myself?

Watching Entertainment Tonight talk about the upcoming Oscar's.....how starved for news are they......I don't care if or how Mo'Nique shaves her legs.

Naomi Campbell’s chauffeur claims the model punched him so hard on the back of the head, that his head hit the steering wheel causing bruises under the eye......no charges.....the police are terrified of her.

Nicolas Chartier, producer of The Hurt Locker, has become the first ever Oscar nominee to be banned from the ceremony...... because he wrote an email asking for votes for his film...“not the $500-million film”.....so that's why I'm not invited.....I ran down Avatar too.

The Chile quake shifted Earth’s axis to shorten length of a day a bit.....so when your late today gentlemen.....try it....."Honey, it's the earthquake, it just seems like I'm late"

Some fish oil capsules sold as health supplements contain trace amounts of PCBs, according to a lawsuit filed Tuesday in California by an environmental group......so no more squeezing oil out of 3 eyed fish.

NHL trade deadline ends soon....I have a no-trade clause. Follow me on Twitter for blog updates, I'm heckling on Facebook and please send me an e-mail just to say "hey" ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

I'M SO VAIN....THAT SONGS ABOUT ME

2010-03-02T17:06:00.000-04:00

Scanning sports channels through the day after Olympics.....looks like it's back to the world poker tour. (sigh)

On this day in 1992: Armenia, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Moldova, San Marino, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan join the United Nations......causing 827 news anchors to shoot themselves.

A new study suggests that surroundings with dim lighting or no lights at all may trigger dishonesty in people.....makes sense.....look at Iran's leader.....Mahmoud Immadimmabulb.

A judge in New York City has granted Ozzy Osbourne permission to move forward with his lawsuit against former bandmate Tony Iommi.........the next step is getting Ozzie to remember what he was sueing for.

Part of downtown Calgary was shut down on Tuesday morning as emergency crews worked to free a man who fell down a manhole......shouldn't he just pop out on another level still reading his newspaper?

Tiger Woods is back at home after a week of family counselling in Arizona.....in other news, a number of night-clubs in Florida had to close due to missing waitresses.

Jerry Brown announces run for California governor......in other news, Linda Ronstad will release a super new record!

German police detained a nightclub reveler they caught trying to snort amphetamines off the top of their unmarked patrol car....he was released after promising never to snort thier drugs again.

The Smithsonian Institution has rejected a donation of the suit O.J. Simpson wore when he was acquitted of murdering his ex-wife and her friend.....as they handed back the coat, a black leather glove fell out of the inner pocket.

Carly Simon has laughed off reports record label boss David Geffen is the man who inspired her hit You're So Vain - branding the assumptions a "funny mistake".....she say's there's a clue in an acoustic version of You're So Vain on her latest album, "Never Been Gone".....could be me.....I live in "Nova Scotia" seen the "total eclipse of the sun".......but, I've never done well at "Saratoga"......I'm "where I should be all the time".....Don't know any "under-world spies".....but I am vain. Stay tuned. @ben_burnett on Twitter, Friend me on Facebook, send me a howdy at this e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

SID THE KID!!

2010-03-01T15:51:00.000-04:00

I think we just won the gold medal for hockey...I hope so...just woke up in a pile of empties with a chicken wing sticking out of my mouth.

Barack Obama owes Stephan Harper a case of Canadian for winning gold in hockey....Liberal handler's decided their leader Michael Ignatieff, should watch the game at Stornoway.....he couldn't remember who to cheer for. (lived in the states for 30+ years)

Russian President Medvedev is calling for the resignations of it's Olympic officials after its worst-ever performance in Vancouver......"If they don't resign, we will help them," he said, unclipping his holster.

Now the real games begin........bring on the piss test.......who took steroids, who is male, who is female.....who is neither.

Canada's air-security agency has ordered officers to stop the routine screening of travellers of the opposite sex.....the officers asked for more time..."to make sure we feel...er....scan every female athlete leaving Vancouver for...um...safety reasons."

Sony says some PlayStation 3 users are experiencing a connection failure when signing onto the PlayStation Network and is trying to fix what's gone wrong......the company suggests user's try something new while waiting.....like a shower....or looking out the window.

Ontario's medical regulatory body, the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario, has launched a probe into unnecessary mastectomies performed at Windsor hospitals....the missing boobs have been seen at several Ottawa political functions.

A study says it would be technically and economically feasible to build a domed stadium in downtown Regina....it's just not technically and economically feasible to have a sports team in downtown Regina.....the study went on to say...."It could easily be converted into a grain storage facility"

The trial of Syncrude Canada over the deaths of 1,600 ducks in a northern Alberta pond opened Monday with the company asking for a new judge....."we tried to buy this one and we can't....that's not how we roll"

Canadian researchers have developed a new index to score patients being discharged from hospital on their likelihood of dying or being readmitted in the next 30 days.....four key variables being: 1 length of stay in hospital. 2 acuity of the original admission. 3 emergency department use. 4 ownership of a Toyota.

I enjoyed the Olympics more than I thought I would....that's bad when your sarcastic....dam it!!!
Follow me on twitter for blog posts @ben_burnett I'm on Facebook and send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

CANADIAN HOCKEY PLAYERS OUT OF CONTROL!

2010-02-26T14:52:00.001-04:00

The IOC will investigate the behaviour of some Canadian women's hockey players who celebrated on the ice with cans of beer and bottles of champagne, and smoked cigars with their gold medals draped around their necks after the venue had emptied.....the IOC also said "while the scratching and belching can be tolerated....they have to stop grabbing the IOC officials by the ass"

Pakistan has agreed to hand over to Afghanistan captured Afghan Taliban number two....the guy must be a real shit. (badumpa kisssh)

Italy's highest court overturned a guilty verdict Thursday for British lawyer David Mills, who was accused of taking a bribe to lie in court in the 1990s to protect Premier Silvio Berlusconi...."Da's all ya need ta know, Kay? Foget about it."

The chief executive of TD Bank, Ed Clark, took a five per cent cut to his paycheque in 2009 ($10.4 million) as the banking industry endured a turbulent year.....I know what your thinking..... another victim of the recession.....how can he go home to his family.

A man who renovates old homes has found and returned the wallet lost by a man more than 60 years ago in Ohio.....old man questions missing $4 dollars.

On this day in 1952, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill announces that his nation has an atomic bomb.......turns out to be the corn beef and cabbage Winston had the day before.

Aerosmith have announced their "Cocked, Locked and Ready to Rock" European summer tour - with Steven Tyler.....The band made the announcement Thursday...... It also posted a video on its website in which Tyler, sitting with the rest of the band, jokes: "I just auditioned and I got the gig." .....unfortunately Tyler then tripped over a mic stand and hit his head on the coffee table.

Whitney Houston has suffered another setback in her ongoing tour of Australia...fans walked out of her show in Australia on Wednesday night after the singer's voice began to fail.....reportedly coughing through her set and taking breaks to catch her breath.....she insists everything will be fine as soon as Bobby joins her on the tour.

Madonna's former lover, 23 yr old Jesus Luz was forced to stop his DJ set in Brazil on Sunday after a rowdy clubgoer threw a drink in his face.....prompting him to storm off into a corner, where he reportedly broke down in tears....sobbing, he said "I'm telling my Mommy...or child molester....or what ever she is!"

Doctors say they can now use the HPV vaccine on young boy's as well as young girls......went on to say...."Adam Lambert and Johnny Weir will still have to wait"

NFL----The Pittsburgh Steelers have agreed to a three-year contract with 6' 1"....340 lb Pro Bowl nose tackle Casey Hampton.....mostly because they are terrified.

This is a long one but.....Helena Guergis, minister of state for the status of women, issued an apology Thursday to Charlottetown airport workers and Air Canada staff for throwing a tantrum last week....her and an aide arrived late...she had to be asked twice to remove her footwear.....(must have had a hole in her socks).....when she did, she allegedly "slammed her boots into the bin provided," and said, 'Happy f--king birthday to me. I guess I'm stuck in this hellhole.'"....shouted at her aide to 'Get those for me. I'm not walking around here in sock feet."
And she wasn't done yet.....When an Air Canada employee reminded her that passengers are expected to be at the airport two hours before departure, Guergis allegedly shouted, "I don't need to be lectured about flight time by you. I've been down here working my ass off for you people.".....The PM's office said from now on, "an assistant will walk in front and lay down a cape should her highness have to remove her footwear in the future."

Last week-end for the big O in Vancouver...not Oprah follow me on Twitter @ben_burnett and Facebook and don't forget to say Hi...e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

IMA LET YA FINISH..CLARA HUGHES..GREATIST OLYMPIAN OF ALL TIME!!

2010-02-25T15:23:00.000-04:00

I am becoming more patient when forced to go on shopping trips...I look forward to Wal-Mart now.....my wife shops while I wait.....I can take a nap on Ronald MacDonald's shoulder.....just wish all those little brats would leave us alone.

The Who frontman Roger Daltrey is desperate to collaborate with Jimmy Page....."He needs a singer to drive him. I'm a great blues singer. I don't sing the blues with The Who, but that's what I used to be before Townsend started writing. I used to be a great blues singer.".....and then he mumbled "not only that...Townsends a wanker"

Snoop Dogg is in trouble with U.S. tax officials again after allegedly failing to hand over half a million dollars in back payments......The Dog said "Yo, taxman.....I gots my hook-up nephew movin the herb dogs so ya'll just chizzle til the Dog make it right, unnerstan?"

India and Pakistan held wide-ranging discussions Thursday about terrorism, Kashmir and other disputes in the first talks between the rival nations since the 2008 Mumbai attacks....but just before lunch, talks broke down....they couldn't agree whether to have "Butter Chicken" or "Mutton Kozhambu"

Akio Toyoda, the automaker's 53-year-old chief executive and grandson of the founder, says the company grew too fast to keep up with safety controls.....there was an awkward moment during the hearing given the language barrier.....one of the government interns brought in two live chickens instead of the water Toyoda had requested.

A new EKOS poll suggests the Conservatives have opened up a small three-point lead after weeks of being in a virtual tie with the Liberals.......of course they're talking about the "prorogue" ping-pong tournament at Parliament Hill because they sure as Hell aren't doing anything else.

"Canada's Conservative government would be irresponsible to spend billions of dollars to reduce greenhouse gas emissions given the contradictory science available"..... that according to Conservative cabinet minister Maxime Bernier.....that noise you hear in the background?...that's the other Conservative members moving they're chairs away from him.

If you want a Hummer you better get it soon......get your mind out of the gutter.....the deal to sell the division of GM has fallen through......dirty minds!!

Canada's big banks are likely to report lower first-quarter earnings over the next two weeks as their lucrative trading income plunges, analysts say.......bank earnings season kicked off today, with reports from CIBC and National Bank.....they went on to say the other banks haven't finished cooking the books yet.

Go Travel South based in Halifax announced on its website yesterday that it was shutting down due to "economic circumstances."...."Please do not show up at the airport for your flights as they will not be departing," the message read.....a telephone response by the owner couldn't be heard clearly because of a Mariachi band playing in the background.

I want to talk about Canada's greatest athlete of all time....( God, I sound like Kanye West)...not Gretzky, or Howe or Steve Nash or Mike Weir. Clara Hughes,....one of only five people who have won medals in both the Summer and Winter Games, and is the only person ever to have won multiple medals in both. Her total now of 6 medals ties Cindy Klassen as most ever by a Canadian.... She is an 18-time Canadian national cycling champion. In 2006, after she won gold in the 5000m skate, she donated $10,000 dollars, of her own money, to Right to Play, an organization that improves the plight of children in impoverished, war-torn areas. Canada didn't hand out medal money then. Probably the thing about her that I will remember the most was the medal ceremony at the 2006 Winter Games in Turin. When they started playing Oh Canada, Clara grabbed Cindy Klassen, who had won silver, hauled her up to the top level and "forced" her to sing along. I'm sure it's on Youtube, if you ever need some national pride, check it out. She is fantastic!

Dats it dats all for today folks....Can vs U.S. womens hockey tonight....(hope there's a fight...you know...pull the jerseys off :) @ben_burnett for twitter, e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and I'm on Facebook....so face me if you dare!

BEACH BOYS SET UP SHOP IN B.C.

2010-02-24T16:00:00.000-04:00

According to Outside Magazine, which recently released their 2010 Editor's Choice Awards, Tofino, B.C. is the best surf town in North America.....upon hearing this the remaining Beach Boys say they will move to B.C. and rewrite all their hits. "Everbody's gone surfin...surfin Can-a-da."

Courtney Love has launched a vicious verbal attack on John Mayer for opening up about his sex life with his former celebrity girlfriends..... insisting she would never have anything to do with him......after hearing this Mayer returned the "full-body condom" he had ordered.

Agents of Canada's spy agency CSIS, who travelled to Egypt and corresponded with Egyptian officials, indirectly led to the torture of a Toronto man by authorities there......CSIS responded today saying....."of course we went to Egypt...we couldn't torture him in Canada"

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown apologized for his country's participation in a 19th-century program in which poor children were sent overseas from London's slums to labour in British colonies......the early settlers tried to use the natives.....but they wouldn't stop playing bingo.

Windsor City Council voted Monday night to contact Google and ask the internet giant to return and take photographs of the Ontario city again.....photographs captured the city in the middle of a 15-week civic workers' strike.....images of a homicide scene outside Leopard's Lounge strip club, complete with police cars and yellow tape.....Google defended the pictures by simply pointing across the river at Detroit.

A Statistics Canada report on life expectancy has put the new number at 81 years.....the Harper government is planning a systematic cull to save money.....the Health minister suggested starting with the Senate...."We believe over half of them are dead already"

Disgrunted Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko, still angry over not receiving a gold medal in Vancouver, has now awarded himself a “platinum” medal on his website.....the IOC responded with...."We felt Mr. Plushenko had too many vowels in his first name for a Gold"

According to reports, Tiger Woods has sent a letter to his children's school, apologizing for the media attention......Tiger has compiled an "apology list".....next he and his brother Randy will set off "to make it right....you know Karma?"

Researchers at California's San Diego Zoo studied the behavior of female elephants, and found that they use a "secret language".......which can also be heard at your local hair-dressers.

Charlie Sheen...let's recap....once shot a girlfriend in the arm, overdosed on cocaine, split up with Denise Richards in a flurry of accusations about drug use and violence and implied paedophilia, believes 9/11 was an inside job, and most recently was arrested for allegedly attacking his own wife on Christmas day.......has followed his wife Brooke Mueller into rehab, which has caused a temporary suspension in Two And A Half Men production....man...never saw that coming!

Canada vs Russia tonight....hold my calls please....Twitter @ben_burnett e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and I'm on Facebook...usually heckling people.

AHMADIMMABULB GROWING FLOWERS ?

2010-02-23T16:25:00.000-04:00

Tennis star Rafael Nadal will appear in a new Shakira video......perfect.....in the video he can pull her shorts out of her ass too.

Iran is denying that it plans to build two new uranium enrichment plants....Ahmadimmabulb said it is a translation mistake....they actually said "geranium" enrichment

The first guest to visit Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show will be former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.....they won't need any jokewriters for that show......Jay won't even need to speak.

Scientists have successfully transplanted much of a human liver into a mouse......but given the size differance....it now looks like a liver with tiny ears and a twitchy nose.

The Guinness Book of Records says a 250-pound blue Great Dane from Arizona is the tallest dog ever on record......of course the "dirtiest" dog on record is still Tiger Wood's.

An image of an ant lifting 100 times its body weight taken by a zoologist won first prize in a science photography contest......only one other photo like it exists.....Tom Arnold carrying Roseanne over the thresh-hold.

Illegal gambling has spread rapidly across Russia since a new law came into force last July banning casinos and slots machines.....the gambling places are easy to spot....just look for the "Dogs playing Poker" picture above the back room door.

Teen sensation Justin Bieber was forced to cut short an in-store appearance in Paris, France on Monday after thousands of fans descended on the venue......the event quickly resumed when the French realized it wasn't Danny DeVito.

Nfld. Premier Danny Williams says he knew his trip to the United States for heart surgery earlier this month would cause controversy, but he said his personal health is more important then any public fallout over the decision......."I'm probably going to be around for a long time, hopefully, if God willing," he said.....much to the dismay of "Steve" and the boys in Ottawa.

The Canadian Olympic Committee raised the white flag Monday on the host team's goal of finishing first overall in the medal count.....we will not "own" the podium.....we never will......the "mortgage" is too high.

A new report from Harvard University states, Canada has some of the slowest and most expensive internet access in the developed world.....and they said our Olympic hockey team is the same.

Tough regulations governing the U.S. credit card industry took effect on Monday...a spokesperson said "It's in nobody's interest to lend people money they can't afford to repay".....unless it's 1890 and you own a coal mine.

MLB---Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez has indicated that 2010 will be his final season with the team.....he said he plans to join the Dominican Ladies Soccer team.

The New England Patriots have pinned the franchise tag on Pro Bowl nose tackle Vince Wilfork.....and how do you pin a tag on a 6ft 2", 330 lb football player....VERY CAREFULLY

Getting ready for the big Can. vs Ger. hockey match tonight...I may tweet tonight....@ben_burnett....e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and I'm on Facebook

NEW IOC RULE STATES HOCKEY GAMES WILL NOW BE PLAYED ON PAPER

2010-02-22T14:58:00.000-04:00

Olympic organizers have stocked the Olympic Village with 100,000 condoms....they must have thought basketball was a winter sport.

A recently released Toyota document from last year cites millions of dollars in savings by delaying safety regulations, avoiding defect investigations and slowing down other industry requirements......GM execs exclaimed "You can do that?"

Someone lit a cross on fire and yelled racial slurs outside the home of an interracial couple in a Nova Scotia community early Sunday, RCMP say......in other news....church leaders are rallying members to help stamp out what they call "the Devil's tool, rock and roll music!!!!".

Major League Baseball has banned guns and other deadly weapons from the clubhouse…….but a special rule states A-Rod can still bring in Kate Hudson.

A statue depicting U.S. President Barack Obama as a boy was installed at his former elementary school in Jakarta, Indonesia, on Sunday after it was removed from a local park amid controversy over its suitability.....officials say "When we see his birth certificate, we will put it back in the park".

The annual wedding dress sale was last week in New York City. Women shove each other in the store for a deal…..the women are crazy…. you would think it was the last case of beer in the place.

In the UK, the Science and Technology Committee found no evidence that homeopathy, based on herbal medicines, is effective, according to a report published Monday.....the committee will take questions from reporters after they finish their relaxing and sedative "Catnip Tea".

The man who invented the "Easy-Bake" oven has died at age 83....the service will be held in a tiny room with one 60W bulb.

A Nova Scotia-based school is eager for an investigation into the sinking of its ship off Brazil and the two days that 64 students and staff spent in life-rafts......The Skipper and Gilligan were not available for comment.

Andrew Koenig, who played the character of Richard "Boner" Stabone on the TV series Growing Pains in the 1980s, has gone missing in Vancouver. He was last seen by friends on Valentine's Day.....sliding down the Luge track on his back with the American Flag attached to his......nickname.

A man who is only 22 inches tall left his home country of Nepal on Sunday in a quest to be recognized as the world's shortest man......the Hilton family have hired the man as an assistant for Paris.....he will report back to the family should there be any, ahem, wardrobe malfunctions.

EMI Group Ltd., which owns the legendary Abbey Road Studios in London where the Beatles recorded their last album, says the studios are not for sale after all......Sir Paul McCartney has blocked the sale saying "They can't sell it, I lost my shoes in there!"....(under 40?.....see cover of "Abby Road")

Australian promoters of AbbaWorld are on the hunt for a missing white jumpsuit that Abba's Agnetha Faltskog wore during the group's 1977 Australian tour......rumors are circulating that it may have been destroyed.....the last known owner was "Super Dave Osbourne".

Pope Benedict XVI spoke out against the use of body scanners at airports during an audience with airport workers and officials at the Vatican on Sunday.....unless Catholic priests were put in charge.....of course "pat-downs" will be included then.

Next up for our Canadian Men's hockey team, Germany....if we lose....you will find me on the tallest building in town....learning to fly....tweets @ben_burnett.....e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and face me on friendbook....or something.

GAGA IS OUR SAVIOUR

2010-02-19T15:23:00.000-04:00

Elton John has sparked a storm of internet protest after suggesting Jesus Christ was gay in a new online interview......in another stunning revelation he said...."And he has come to save us, in his earthly form as Lady GaGa"

A Maryland state legislator wants to propose a new state law that would ban marriages between first cousins.....a spokesperson from Alabama was quoted...."Next thing ya know, you won't even be able to marry yer little sister"

For an hour or so on Thursday afternoon, Gordie Lightfoot was reported to have died...."If You Could Read My Mind" was a big hit for him.....Gordies 71 now.....he wishes somebody could read his mind and change his "Depend"

People around the world can now go online to peek inside the den of a rare kermode bear in British Columbia while the animal hibernates.......or the Dupont website has a wonderful expose on paint drying.

Susan Boyle sparked fresh fears for her health after collapsing at a London airport on Tuesday morning.....incredibly she didn't drop her plate of haggis and mushie peas....she was later cleared to fly....off on a broom.

The FBI is investigating the motive of a man who set his house on fire and killed himself and at least one other person when he crashed his plane into a Texas tax agency office......Officials said that 54-year-old Joe Stack had left a six-page self-described "rant" dated Thursday and signed "Joe Stack (1956-2010)".......you don't suppose that had anything to do with it.

Steven Tyler has confirmed he's returning to Aerosmith for summer festival shows in Europe, insisting he's "excited" about the prospect of playing live again......early line in Vegas has Tyler falling off the stage at the first concert at 2-1......Joe Perry "axeing" him with a Gibson at 5-1 and back to rehab within six months is even money right now.

One of “American Idol’s” latest rumors has Liam Gallagher from Oasis fame as a replacement for Simon Cowell......perfect....then get his brother Noel at the other end of the panel and let the games begin.

Pres. Obama met with the Dalai Lama at the White House, Thursday.....VP Joe Biden remarked that you can make a really nice sweater out of their hair.

A scientist with the U.S. Geological Survey announced that metals known as “Rare Earth" are in short supply....well ya....they haven't put out an album since the 70's and they were Motown sound not metal.

The president of Toyota Motors says he will testify before a Congressional committee about auto recalls.....he will re-iterate that he does not take steroids and he wants to talk about the future, not the past.

An L.A. judge ruled Thursday that Chris Brown, who is on probation for assaulting his then girlfriend Rihanna, can travel out of the United States for concerts. The countries Brown is permitted to travel to weren't immediately disclosed......insiders say it will be in the middle east.....where Brown says "they know how to treat a woman"

Have to run.....Miller and I are in the 2-man sled race at the Olympics tomorrow......follow me on twitter...ben_burnett.....or send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and I'm on Facebook.

THE TENNESSEE TUT

2010-02-18T14:14:00.000-04:00

Researchers say King Tut's parents were brother and sister.....ahh......that explains why they found a banjo in the tomb.

Argentina has escalated its fight with Britain over oil drilling rights in the Falkland Islands.....it's a UN plan.....every 25 yrs or so they let the British attack Argentina to boost moral.

New studies show that obese men tend to have sperm that are less mobile than those produced by thinner men.....but they get a better parking spot.

A Scottish terrier named Sadie won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show.......already a Lab-collie mix.....a beagle with a large tongue.....and a Dachsund with no papers are claiming to have had her.

A Pennsylvania woman is accused of missing twice, but finally striking, her 21-year-old son with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat.....the third swing he was hanging in the strike zone....it'll get better as the season rolls on.

Golfer Tiger Woods will speak publicly for the first time Friday since his problems started......he will announce he's quitting pro golf to join the Cincinnati Bengels.

British police have arrested a BBC television anchor after he told viewers he carried out a mercy killing on a former gay lover.....he won't say who or when it was.....the former lover wasn't sick.....he wanted to paint their bedroom mauve....GASP!

Love letters and telegrams written by J.F.K. to a 21-year old Swedish beauty Gunilla Post whom he met on the Riveria in 1953 are going up for auction.....the romance ended abrubtly after JFK crashed a window smashed Caddie into a fire hydrant.

Mattel unveiled their new "Geek Barbie" dressed in spangled leggings and wearing a Bluetooth headset..... she was a last-minute replacement for "Wall Street Barbie" who was last seen boarding a plane for the Caymen Islands.

Rapper Jay-Z has been caught up in a race scandal following allegations security at his BRIT Awards afterparty on Tuesday banned white people from entering the VIP area.....in a hastily prepared statement.....Jay-Z said "y'all learn how to dance and next year your in!"

Underwear manufacturer Triumph is accusing Beyonce of wearing lingerie in her Video Phone promo that is a direct copy of one of their designs......I will have to study these photos more closely and get back to you.

Janie Hendrix, who controls Jimi's estate, has confirmed there will be a Hendrix edition of Rock Band before the end of 2010, marking the 40th anniversary of his death......each game comes with 12 hits of acid.

A wildlife photographer who planned to spend the winter living in a remote trailer in the wilderness of northeastern B.C. narrowly escaped starving to death after he failed to pack enough provisions.....after being rescued by the RCMP, the man said his only visitor was an unusually large hairy man who demanded his film.

Newspaper Headline: "Conservatives and Liberals remain tied...... in voter support"......dam....I was hoping it would say "to the back of a bus"

HOTSCAKES DAHLING!!!

2010-02-17T10:25:00.000-04:00

Fidel Castro became the leader of Cuba on this day in 1959. And all indications are he plans to run for a second term......at lunch today in his Havana nursing home...he will be told he's dining on the heart of JFK.
Archaeologists opened King Tut’s tomb on this date in 1923.......discovering that Tut was indeed a "Wild and Crazy Guy!!!!"

The DuPont company patented nylon stockings on this day in 1937......to the delight of bank-robbers and perverts around the world

Anti-sealing people are in town to protest the govt authorized cull on Hay Island.....wonder if the ninja protesters from the Olympics will be there.....not too many windows to break on an ice-berg.

That professor in Alabama that shot and killed three people last week was cleared in the mysterious shooting death of her brother in 1986.....suspected of a bomb threat in 1993.....former VP Dick Cheney said "It's people like her we need on the ground in Afganistan"

In other news....."A record number of professors were tenured in the Southern U.S. yesterday."

I figure our provincial politicians are leading by example so today I ordered a 50" TV....2 laptops...a laser printer...some patio furniture...and a generator.....I feel I'm "entitled"....wonder if the boss feels the same way?

I read my horoscope this morning, and it said, "Don't believe anything you read"

A study says that women's natural scent attracts men more than any perfume......yep.....especially if she smells like bacon and Budweiser.

Scientists are getting close to developing flowers with custom scents through genetic engineering........won't make any differance.....your neighbours dog will piss on them anyway.

Yesterday was Pancake Tuesday....or is it Shrove Tuesday....maybe Fat Tuesday.....yep that fits.

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has announced new rules aimed at preventing homebuyers from getting into financial difficulty when mortgage rates rise......55 yr old man gets a 35 year mortgage.....what could go wrong?

Ireland's bishops and Pope Benedict XVI wrapped up talks at the Vatican Tuesday aimed at regaining the trust of Catholics shaken by revelations of clergy sex abuse and coverup.......the summit was held in a special chapel called....."Our Lady of Perputual Denial"

I have to tidy up the house.....it would be embarassing if CSI found this mess....follow me on twitter....ben_burnett and friend me on facebook e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

HAPPY "MON" DAY

2010-02-15T16:07:00.001-04:00

Monday is "Presidents' Day" in the U.S.…"Family Day" in Ontario….. "Louis Riel Day" in Manitoba and "Islander Day" in Prince Edward Island…….Of course here in Nova Scotia it’s...."Mon" Day.

Some Americans are upset with NBC coverage of the winter games.....watching the Olympics this afternoon.....CTV has men's downhill......NBC has cross-country skiing....now I know what WTF means.

People who drink at least two sugary pop or soda a week have an increased risk of developing cancer of the pancreas, and researchers suspect the culprit is sugar, a new study shows……what isn’t bad for you…..I think we're down to broccoli and tree bark.

Red grapes and dark chocolate join blueberries, garlic, soy, and teas as ingredients that starve cancer while feeding bodies,…….just in time for valentines…….of course the study was funded by Gallo and Hersheys.

If you have relatives in the U.K….perhaps you should touch base…..A ticketholder has won 56 million pounds on the EuroMillions lottery, easily becoming the country's biggest ever lottery win………92 million canadian……..that’s a lot of bangers and mash.

I found a Valentine card that said, "Everything I have is yours."..... So I bought it for Steven Harper.

Feb 15…Canada's new national Maple Leaf flag was first raised on Parliament Hill in Ottawa on this day in 1965……caused quite a flap…(sigh)

I'm on facebook and twitter....ben_burnett for tweets or e-mail me....... ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

ORDER YOUR HAITIAN HERE...WE TAKE PAY-PAL

2010-02-12T18:00:00.000-04:00

The UN refugee agency says its goodwill ambassador Angelina Jolie is in Haiti to meet with earthquake victims......poor Brad.....she'll likely come home with 50 kids.

Actually Jolie just told CNN she is only there to help all children right now.....but, agencies are worried that adopting Haitians could become a fad......"Has your Haitian arrived yet"....."No, had to return ours, it didn't speak English"....."Imagine!".....

Kate Gosselin has a new book, "I Just Want You to Know," scheduled for release in April......you can read that....or stab yourself in the thigh with scissors.

Ellen DeGeneres, the newest judge on "American Idol," says Simon Cowell is "meaner" than she thought.........and "his breasts are bigger then mine"

Nearly eight months after Michael Jackson's death, the official autopsy report in the pop star's death has finally been released...... "Acute Propofol Intoxication" was the cause of Jackson's death.....in other news Kirstie Alley is still fat.

Men look forward to Valentine's Day about as much as women look forward to the Super Bowl.....It's all a guilt trip thought up by women...."we put up with football all year....blah, blah...."

The Space Shuttle Endeavour arrived to a warm welcome at the International Space Station early Wednesday.....well that's a bit of an understatement.....they finally delivered the required parts to fix the tiolet

A new study suggests water levels could rise 2 1/2 feet by the next century along the eastern coast of Nova Scotia......just an excuse to raise transportation costs because Europe is farther away.

Canadian astronaut Bob Thursk who has spent more time in space than any other Canadian was given an honoury degree at the University of Calgary......he still doesn't have his "earth legs".....they led him in on a rope like a balloon at the Macy's parade.

A man in Tennessee wants to convert his house into a combination music hall and Jewish sperm bank........I got nothing....

Starting to embrace Facebook a little more....it is fun to chat with people you haven't seen in years.....some of them.....not embracing Farmville.....I grew up in Farmville.

In Liburn, Georgia, a man walked into Walmart, grabbed a baseball bat
and then smashed 29 television sets......some people just can't get over Peyton's pick in the Superbowl. (assist to the comic giant Jerry Perisho) see his link at right-----> right Jerry!

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is doing well after having a heart procedure yesterday.....the operation was done in Newfoundland because a patient cancelled last week.

OLYMPICS WITH NO SNOW

2010-02-10T15:33:00.001-04:00

The Olympic committee re-iterated their dilligence in testing for doping of athletes at the Vancouver winter games......boy, did they pick the wrong province.

The Olympic committee announced today that a 5% ticket rebate will be given to spectaters that bring a cooler full of snow.

An Australian study suggests that a global drop in oxygen levels may have been the driver that led ancient fish to leave the water and evolve into the first air-breathing animals on land.....not whale farts as was previously thought.

Yarmouth MLA Richard Hurlburt has resigned in the wake of the spending controversy involving several Nova Scotia politicians....isn't it funny how the ones that "protest too much" are the guilty ones.....bet he would have bought a cheaper TV if he'd known he was going to have to pay for it.

Then it was revealed that Progressive Conservative Leader Karen Casey knew about the TV last week.....she didn't want to say anything because it was her weekend for the TV.

Mike Tyson is in Europe performing on Italy's version of "Dancing With The Stars".....going great until Mike bit off his partners ear.

The President of Toyota bowing to the world as an apology is an ancient custom where, if you can see the back of his neck, it means you can take off his head.....suddenly, Wall St. executives are grabbing the back of their necks.

Because of another snowstorm in Washington, only essential government workers have to show up to their offices today.....much like Ottawa, the problem is finding an essential government worker.

On his prime-time show Monday, Jay Leno said that it was good to see his old friend David Letterman for the taping of the Superbowl ad......what.....smell?.....oh, that's Conan O'Brien lighting cigars with hundreds.

"This is Lil Wayne going to jail. Nobody can tell me what that's like," the rapper told Rolling Stone magazine for its latest issue. "I just say I'm looking forward to it."......yep...."Lil Wayne....I'm Big Dog.....yer bunkin wit me"

This day in 1974: Phil Spector was seriously injured in a car accident between Los Angeles & Phoenix. He received multiple injuries & underwent extensive plastic surgery which altered his looks. The details of this accident remain a mystery to this day.....the accident gave him the creepy look to go along with the creepy mind.

After 3 federal appeals, The B.C. Appeal Court has ruled that provinces, not the federal government, have jurisdiction for health care, which includes services such as supervised injection sites for addicts of illegal street drugs.....Mark Townsend, executive director of Portland Health Society said yesterday "We wish Stephen Harper would stop wasting court time and the taxpayers' money and start helping to solve the drug problem in our community,".....you and about 30 million other people Mark.

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook....if you don't mind being lost.
ben_burnett for tweets or e-mail me ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY = TIOLET BOWL MONDAY

2010-02-09T15:27:00.000-04:00

Sunday’s Super Bowl game was watched by more TV viewers than any other show in U.S. television history.....Las Vegas odds-makers say the Indianapolis Colts are favoured to win the 2011 Super Bowl, next February....Detroit Lions are under-dogs again.....just ahead of our local high school team.

After Peyton Manning's interception in the Superbowl Sunday, Brett Favre called Peyton Manning to offer condolences....he told Peyton he can't remember ever throwing one like that in a big game though.

LAPD and DA's office in California fight over the way Dr Conrad Murray is arrested...cuffs or no cuffs....catered or not.....the circus begins.....

The District of Columbia digs out from a snowstorm. It is huge. In fact, Washington hasn’t seen this much white since Marion Barry was Mayor.

A nineteen-year-old New Zealand girl auctioned her virginity online for thirty-two thousand dollars last week. She won't reveal the name of the winning bidder......in other news Warren Beatty began filming in New Zealand this week....OH.....now I get it.....Warren gets it.

A 12 year old student in New York City was arrested for doodling on her school desk.....she was later hired by the Feds when they discovered she had doodled the cure for the economic crisis.

A 3 point earth-quake hit New Brunswick over the week-end.....guy's if it was at that crucial point.....go with it......It was YOU that made the earth move!

Tough economic times have made a bigger market for cheaper brands of alcohol......actually Aqua Velva is nice....get it at the drug store.....comes in different colours, so you can make shooters....there's something about an Aqua Velva Man!!!

Groaner alert....An Australian man set a record by swallowing eighteen 28-inch-long swords.....at the celebration afterwards the man couldn't eat....he said everything had a metallic taste.

McDonald's in Italy is introducing the new McItaly Burger -- Italian beef, Asiago cheese and artichoke spread.......they have a strange TV commercial where Ronald McDonald dressed as a Mafia don stuffs the "Burger King" into the trunk of a black Cadillac.

A 5.7 earthquake shook southern Mexico, Monday.....turns out it was just the "fall out" of the nation wide burrito-eating contest the day before.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are suing the world......oh wait... it's a newspaper called News Of The World, which last month reported that Brad and Angelina were on the brink of a split....they claim to be in love....how could Angelina Jolie really love Brad Pitt? After all, he has got a beard that makes him look like he put glue onto his chin and rubbed it on a wire-haired terrier.

BREAKING NEWS----Toyota buy's “Zoom, zoom, zoom” song from Mazda until the accelerator problem is fixed.

The Nova Scotia Speaker's Office released the names Monday of all politicians with expense claims deemed excessive or inappropriate by the auditor general.....On his first day back to work after a two-week vacation in Arizona, Premier Daryl Dexter said he regrets his claims for $2,100 for a digital camera and $5,500 for two high-end laptops....$2,750 each.....Hey Daryl.....our laptop cost $500.....bet the solitaire game is the same!!

An Alaskan dentist fixed the injured beak of a bald eagle using a temporary crown and putty...... Now the eagle is asking while they are at it if they can do something about the white head....maybe some streaks and highlights.

Gotta go....putting away the NFL stuff and dragging out the NASCAR goodies.....Daytona 500 this Sunday....good ol boys are confused.....they have their Superbowl at the start of the season!!

ben_burnett for tweets or e-mail me ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

AHHHHH.....TRANQUILLITY!!!!

2010-02-05T15:41:00.000-04:00

When the space shuttle Endeavor travels to the space station this month, it will be carrying a new living chamber called Tranquillity....psst.....that's what I call the bathroom downstairs nobody else uses

The demolition of Giants Stadium got started Thursday......then halted when the rear bumper of a '75 Caddy was discovered with a personalized license plate..... "HOFFA"

Probably a good thing govt is proroguing......if they were in Ottawa they would just be coming up with more ways to spend our money....I don't have any more

Hollywood's Walk of Fame will honour Ringo Starr with a star.....should be a horseshoe.......he IS the luckiest man in history.

Should be a prize given for a fast food place that actually gives you a burger that looks like the commercial.....I thought to myself today while picking ketchup soaked onions off my shirt

MTV has made a deal with the cast of "Jersey Shore" to return for a second season.... Snooki, The Situation, and the rest escaping the cold Northeast for a warmer destination.....a week or two in the deep south hanging with red necks would be entertaining.

How far could you take the driver distraction issue.....should we still talk to passengers.... change the radio station....what about the 3 toddlers in the back seat...I'm just sayin

BREAKING NEWS....No Shit.....my wife is watching Oprah and a woman from Toronto went into labour an hour ago and Oprah opened her live show with a call from the hospital.....the woman was bummed because she missed the show......the big O said she'll fly her back when she's ready.....awww.....turn it off.

Remember the devastating elbow Patrice Cormier delivered a few weeks ago in the QMJHL....suspended for the rest of the season....Lou Lamarillo from the NJ Devils who owns his ass said "The hit wasn't that bad"....traded him to Atlanta in the Ilya Kovulchuk deal yesterday.....mmmm

Another new Tiger mistress comes forward......that makes 16?....she is protesting a company that is picturing all the mistresses on golf balls claiming it promotes abuse....you just can't make this stuff up

This whole Toyota thing.....gas pedal sticking on some.....brakes faulty on others.....this has been in the works by the Japanese since the end of WW2....."Bcome woolds wajest ka maka, den all yankee commit hari kari wit kaas"

One of the terrorists arrested in the UK this week say's "a bomb that can destroy a building can be built in an hour"....he said "The real problem is finding underwear that big"

A zoo in Atlanta is delivering two Panda bears to China.....what would you tip a bear delivery guy?

Gotta go....remember...I search the web for nonsense so you don't have to....ben_burnett for tweets or e-mail me....... ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

"Lost" is on, I can't find it!!!

2010-02-04T15:56:00.000-04:00

The first show for the final season of “Lost” was on Tuesday night....I couldn't find it in the TV guide.

Scientists have detected glimmers of awareness in some vegetative brain-injury patients and have even communicated with one of them......although the "awareness" was some what embarrassing when the male patient was shown a picture of Pam Anderson.

Nova Scotia's auditor general slammed the Province's expense system Wednesday and said several politicians had filed "excessive and unreasonable" claims....I think the same thing has happened in other Provinces, Ottawa and the States.....you don't think politicians are all the same do you?....Na.

Jamaican bobsled team banned from Vancouver Olympics...the British Columbian government fears the lucrative bud industry could become infected.

University students have protested against Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez all week over the shutting down of TV stations.....next week it's "All Hugo, All The Time"

Tom Scholz from the '70's group "Boston", is urging fans to beware of impostors - after learning a club promoter lost $5,000.......the promoter said he had “More than a Feeling”

Cosmopolitan proclaims the thong to be dead....the hot undergarment for women is boy shorts....hah...I'll be the judge of that!!

An Australian newspaper reports that Tiger Woods could be out of sex rehab and back on the links in two weeks...unconfirmed....I don't like to name drop, but I'll let you know when Tig gets back to me...OK

Just a little hurt that my wife refuses to re-instate me as VP of her E-bay company.......something about irregularities in the book-keeping.

Since Michael Jackson overdosed on elephant strength anaesthetic last summer, Dr. Conrad Murray has found himself being blamed for his death.....kind of feel for the guy.....he was balls-deep in debt......probably thought, “I can make a fortune off this freak”...and then...DOH!

What is with the hand gestures young people use today.....I have asked what they mean....people doing them don't know.......one suggests Los Angeles gang signs......then why is a 12 yr old in Fencepost Saskatchewan doing them?

And one from my buddy Jerry Perisho......"If Toyota thinks its accelerator pedals are sticky pains in the ass.... just wait until they meet the class-action attorneys there"

Benny's Rant Today: Mary J. Blige and a “super-group” of others including Idol's Randy Jackson, plan to re-record Led Zeppelin's “Stairway to Heaven”........NO-NO-NO!!!.....some things you don't touch.....it was a “super-group” that recorded it in the first place!! THEY MUST BE STOPPED!!

That will be it for today, don't forget to drop me a line, if your lucky, I won't respond. I'm on facebook and twitter....ben_burnett for tweets or e-mail me....... ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

Can't Think of a Title

2010-02-03T18:04:00.002-04:00

CBS’ “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains,” the reality series’ 20th season, premiering Feb. 11....Richard Hatch, who was convicted in 2006 of failing to pay taxes on the $1 million he earned for winning the Borneo-set first season of “Survivor” in 2000 denied on show....too bad, Hatch said he would have taken to the next level, not only naked, but with a banana shoved up his ass.

30th Razzie nominations are out.....no big surprises...except for Sandra Bullock, Oscar nod for "The Blind Side", Razzie nod for “All about Steve”....could be a first....naw, not with Paris Hilton in the running

Harvey Levins TMZ brought in 15 million in ad revenue last year.....(nobody watches those shows).....Levin is now hiring for TMZ Sports, figures he can pester them as well.....”I don't really see a difference between a sports star and a celebrity"........has he seen a pissed off Shaq?

Underwear bomber talking now, giving intelligence.........intelligence and underwear bomber in the same sentence?

Ex Guns and Roses guitar player Slash is offering fans the chance to join him in the studio - he's launched a contest which will see one lucky devotee record an album with the legendary guitarist.......then a year later he'll launch a huge smear campaign denying any involvement

Western governments reacted skeptically Wednesday to Iran's offer to send its uranium abroad for enrichment and ease global tensions over its nuclear program.....On Tuesday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his country is prepared to follow the UN request.....German president suggests his eyes are too close together

More Mahmoud.....he kills me....well, hope not......Iran announced Wednesday it has successfully launched a three-metre-long research rocket carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms into space....President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said it showed Iran could defeat the West in the battle of technology....he shouted while riding it into space wearing a cowboy hat and spurs

Madonna is said to be single again after the 23 yr old Brazilian underwear model called off their relationship.......he finally learned how to add.....let's see, when i'm 30, she'll be....EEWWW!!!

My birthday was Jan 29, there's still birth-day cake left....stale.....apparently I don't get fresh dessert, "Well it's your b-day cake!!!!".....“No respect” I say while adjusting invisible tie

A court has dismissed a case against baseball announcer Bob Uecker for claiming that a woman was stalking him......... the court felt the statements were......”juuuusssst a bit outrageous”.

Honeybees can recognize faces, according to researchers........”hey that's the prick who swatted at me yesterday.......I'm gonna sting his ass!!!!

More than 75 stars gathered to re-record the 1985 charity anthem "We are the World" in the same Hollywood recording studio where the original was cut 25 years ago....fortunately Michael Jackson's head has not been buried yet, so he was there as well.

My vote for the most pretentious commercial.....Mercedes E-class....”This is Mercedes Benz” ....come in to a dealer, if your worthy we may sell you one......only way it could be worse.....said in a German accent.

That's it that's all folks.....I'm on facebook and twitter and assorted meds....ben_burnett for tweets or e-mail me....... ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

GROUNDHOG DAY

2010-02-02T17:30:00.000-04:00

It is Groundhog day. Our local rodent "Two Rivers Tunnel" didn't see his shadow...but elsewhere, Wiarton Willie and Punxsawtawney Phil did.......too bad for the rest of North America....PETA wants Phil replaced with a robot.....do these people not have jobs...lives....

PETA must have money, they just hired Toronto's version of Johnny Cochrane...Clayton Ruby to fight a zoo in Edmonton over an elephant they feel is too cold.....nobody ever asks the elephants what they want.

In the U.S., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has spent tens of thousands of dollars on booze and snacks aboard airforce jets in the last two years.....snacks?......how can the woman eat, her mouth is frozen in place.

A poll says 3/4 of travellers feel that obese people should have to pay for an extra seat.....or at least part of the fare of the person sitting next to them who has to share a fat arm

Lawyers representing Steven Tyler have contacted Aerosmith's manager threatening legal action unless the band halts auditions for a replacement singer....where would Aerosmith find another addicted aging rocker to fill in........one second, the phones ringing

Meanwhile, Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood has checked into a London rehab in a bid to kick his booze addiction.....his eighth stint in rehab......sadly he doesn't remember the other times.

Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams will be sidelined for up to 12 weeks because of heart surgery he'll undergo at an undisclosed location in the States........wait times a little too long here Danny?

Musing: Wouldn't it be great if you could communicate with other cars around you instantly....enter the plate number or something......it would be much safer and reduce road rage...."Yea, I'm the guy in the blue 4X4 behind you, if you don't get out of my @&%$# way, I'm coming over top!!!"

Pres. Obama's budget cuts funding for moon flights and may hurt Canada's space program.....opens up space travel for private business though.....I'd sooner travel with Richard Branson......he'll serve champagne and caviar

Toronto Raptors are playing well lately......soooo, an injury to Chris Bosh shouldn't be far off.

Watching "The Score" today, suffered through an episode of "Cabbie Unlimited"......I wish he was "limited"

We need an Ottawa Political TMZ type show.....follow MP's around......while they prorogue

Poor little Justin Beiber screwed up his Grammy intro the other night, said Beyonce when he should have said Bon Jovi.......it was no mistake......the kid is a little hound-dog......his face comes up to her boobs

What is with Lady Antebellum, country music?........yep, just add a twang and it's called country

When Kings of Leon won the Grammy.... hoping Kanye would show up on stage.....whats wrong Kanye, too many of them? Not 19 yr old girls?

Olympics in Vancouver soon....I think they should move basketball to the winter games, it would garner more interest with our American friends.......of course none of the U.S. players would make it over the border....give us a better chance

Some worry about snow conditions for the Olympic games and venues being complete....nobody is asking the tough questions......are there enough Porta-potties?

I'm on facebook and twitter and assorted meds....ben_burnett for tweets or e-mail me....... ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

NOT YOUR GRAMMA'S GRAMMY'S

2010-02-01T17:09:00.002-04:00

THE FOLLOWING IS WRITTEN IN AMERICAN.....TO TRANSLATE INTO CANADIAN, PLACE THE WORD "EH" WHERE YOU FEEL APPROPRIATE

GRAMMY'S LAST NIGHT....MISSED ELTON JOHN AND LADY GAGA.......PROBABLY DRESSED THE SAME ANYWAY

LIKED PINK'S PERFORMANCE, LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS BEING CARRIED BY A STORK.......IT WAS GOING GREAT UNTIL SHE PISSED ALL OVER THE CROWD

BLACK EYED PEAS PERFORMED, THE ONLY WORDS I COULD UNDERSTAND WERE "I'M A BE"......CLOSED OUT SONG WITH THE STATEMENT "WELCOME TO THE FUTURE"......IF THATS THE FUTURE I HOPE WE DON'T HAVE TO DRESS LIKE THAT.

BEST NEW BAND......I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THEM............HOPE THE WINNERS GOOD, WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO THEM NOW

LEON RUSSELL SOUNDED A LOT LIKE WILLIE NELSON.............PRETTY SURE LEON DIDN'T KNOW WHERE HE WAS

IRONY: THIS DATE IN 1963, NEIL YOUNG PLAYED HIS FIRST GIG AS PART OF THE "SQUIRES" AT A COMMUNITY CLUB IN WINNIPEG........FINALLY GETS A GRAMMY 47 YEARS LATER

FEBRUARY IS "LIBRARY LOVERS MONTH"...........LOVING IS OK IN A LIBRARY..........YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK THE SELF HELP SECTION

NEVER TRY TO DIET AND QUIT SMOKING AT THE SAME TIME..........I TRIED TO LIGHT A BABY CARROT LAST NIGHT

IF CONAN O'BRIEN CAN MAKE 30 WHATEVER MILLION FROM NBC FOR NOT BEING FUNNY............WHY CAN'T I MAKE A BIT MORE MONEY.........I'M NOT FUNNY

THE TORONTO RAPTORS WILL PLAY IN INDIANA TOMORROW WITHOUT INJURED FORWARD HEDO TURKOGLU.......SURE HOPE PIZZA PIZZA AND SPRITE DIDN'T PAY TOO MUCH FOR THE "YES COACH" COMMERCIAL..........WORST EVER

NOW AN EXERCISE TIP: COUCH POTATOS.....FORCE YOURSELF EVERY 15 MINUTES TO STAND UP AND SHUFFLE YOUR FEET..........THEN REWARD YOURSELF WITH A DOZEN WINGS AND A COUPLE BEER.......AS AN ADDED BONUS, WHILE STANDING IT'S EASIER TO SCRATCH

NEW STUDY SAYS HEALTHY ADULTS NEED LESS SLEEP THEN YOUNGER ONES..........GOOD THING, AFTER 50 YOU HAVE PLUMBING ISSUES THROUGH THE NIGHT

GREAT TRADES FOR THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS OVER THE WEEK END.....GOT RID OF UNDER ACHEIVERS BLAKE AND STAJAN, PICKED UP STUD D MAN DION PHANEUF AND GOALIE JS JIGUERE.......LEAF FANS STUNNED......FIRST POSITIVE TRADE SINCE GETTING DOUG GILMOUR 20 YEARS AGO

WEEELLL THATS ALL FOR NOW MY FINE FRIENDS....DON'T WANT TO LAY IT ALL ON YA AT ONCE......FRIEND ME ON FACE BOOK.......AND SOMETIMES I TWEET, (DEPENDING ON WHAT I HAD FOR LUNCH) BEN_BURNETT ON TWITTER E-MAIL ME AT: ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

2010-01-31T23:30:00.001-04:00

WENT TO A LITTLE BAR THIS WEEK-END AND SAW THIS GUY,
HE CAN PLAY THE BLUES, UNDERSTATEMENT
http://www.campbelljohn.ca/

WATCHING THE GRAMMY'S RIGHT NOW............ NO KANYE YET

Harper in Switzerland

2010-01-30T14:02:00.000-04:00

Wonder if Steve is checking on his bank accounts while he is in the land of cheese and watches.