BEACH BOYS SET UP SHOP IN B.C.

According to Outside Magazine, which recently released their 2010 Editor's Choice Awards, Tofino, B.C. is the best surf town in North America.....upon hearing this the remaining Beach Boys say they will move to B.C. and rewrite all their hits. "Everbody's gone surfin...surfin Can-a-da."

Courtney Love has launched a vicious verbal attack on John Mayer for opening up about his sex life with his former celebrity girlfriends..... insisting she would never have anything to do with him......after hearing this Mayer returned the "full-body condom" he had ordered.


Agents of Canada's spy agency CSIS, who travelled to Egypt and corresponded with Egyptian officials, indirectly led to the torture of a Toronto man by authorities there......CSIS responded today saying....."of course we went to Egypt...we couldn't torture him in Canada"

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown apologized for his country's participation in a 19th-century program in which poor children were sent overseas from London's slums to labour in British colonies......the early settlers tried to use the natives.....but they wouldn't stop playing bingo.

Windsor City Council voted Monday night to contact Google and ask the internet giant to return and take photographs of the Ontario city again.....photographs captured the city in the middle of a 15-week civic workers' strike.....images of a homicide scene outside Leopard's Lounge strip club, complete with police cars and yellow tape.....Google defended the pictures by simply pointing across the river at Detroit.

A Statistics Canada report on life expectancy has put the new number at 81 years.....the Harper government is planning a systematic cull to save money.....the Health minister suggested starting with the Senate...."We believe over half of them are dead already"

Disgrunted Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko, still angry over not receiving a gold medal in Vancouver, has now awarded himself a “platinum” medal on his website.....the IOC responded with...."We felt Mr. Plushenko had too many vowels in his first name for a Gold"

According to reports, Tiger Woods has sent a letter to his children's school, apologizing for the media attention......Tiger has compiled an "apology list".....next he and his brother Randy will set off  "to make it right....you know Karma?"

Researchers at California's San Diego Zoo studied the behavior of female elephants, and found that they use a "secret language".......which can also be heard at your local hair-dressers.

Charlie Sheen...let's recap....once shot a girlfriend in the arm, overdosed on cocaine, split up with Denise Richards in a flurry of accusations about drug use and violence and implied paedophilia, believes 9/11 was an inside job, and most recently was arrested for allegedly attacking his own wife on Christmas day.......has followed his wife Brooke Mueller into rehab, which has caused a temporary suspension in Two And A Half Men production....man...never saw that coming!

Canada vs Russia tonight....hold my calls please....Twitter @ben_burnett  e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and I'm on Facebook...usually heckling people.