HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...YOU BUNCH OF MOTHER %@#&!!!!!

A mechanical problem with a freight car is the likeliest cause of a derailment Sunday that forced the evacuation of seven families on the mainland, says a spokesman for the railway......that rules out fairy dust that was previously suspected.

The Canadian navy is promising to take every possible precaution for wildlife during an international training exercise off the Nova Scotia coast later in June........I think they are lieing.....one destroyer was being loaded with "Shake and Bake for Whale".

A dozen out-of-control prisoners left a Nova Scotia jail in Dartmouth with smashed windows, broken sprinklers and damaged recreation equipment.......they were watching the World Cup.....the vuvuzelas got to them.

The shortage of medical isotopes led to a 22 per cent decrease in cardiac, bone and lung diagnostic tests, a new report shows.......because of Chalk River being shut down.......the Feds ruled out building a new reactor saying the 1 billion was too high......G8/G20 cost 1 billion......which would you have prefered?

Federal Fisheries Minister Gail Shea says Canada has the ability to respond to an oil spill after watching a Canadian Coast Guard exercise performing a mock disaster response on New Brunswick's Miramichi River......not so sure.....here are a couple of quotes from her......"I think it's something Canada could handle,"...."I guess the first order of business is to ensure that it doesn't happen here, and that we have the capacity to respond.".......think and guess?.....I guess I think we are in trouble.
 
Have a good weekend and/or Father's Day....e-mail me ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and I'm on Facebook and Twitter.

TIME IS NOT ON OUR SIDE....SO THERE JAGGER!!!

More Canadians are feeling caught in a time crunch, struggling to meet the competing demands of work and family, according to a new report.....there is more but I didn't have time to read it.

Montreal-based Quebecor announced plans for Sun TV News, a new Canadian all-news TV network, in Toronto Tuesday.......The network is believed to be modelled after the commercially successful right-wing U.S. network Fox News Channel......I hope so....more material for comedians.

A 22-year-old Victoria woman claims she was misled by a man from India who, she says, married her to get into Canada and dropped her after he obtained his visa.......she say's....."His family thinks Canadian people are stupid"…...just the politicians dear.

Canadian Institute for Health Information released a report stating those who live in poor neighbourhoods were twice as likely to be hit by a car than those in the most affluent areas......I wonder if that has to do with the fact that they have to walk because they can't afford a car?

The author of a popular children's book about a character named "Sir Fartsalot" had a reading at an Ottawa public school cut short on Thursday over language the principal found objectionable......he was concerned about a character in the new book called "Mrs. Imavitch, which rhymes with a derogatory word.......sounds like the principal is a "nickhead"

Robert Pattinson, of Twilight fame said in an interview “I guess I just thought if too many good things happen, then you’re going to die at 30,”......don't worry crying teenage girls.....hopefully just his career will be dead by 30.

The $10-million complex on the CBU Campus opened yesterday.... includes a 57,780-square-foot air supported dome, a full size soccer turf field, an all-weather eight-lane track, beach volleyball courts and a community fitness centre......officials are calling it the battle against obesity and inactive people in Cape Breton.....psssst, I know where we can hide!
 
Thanks for reading, drop me a line at ben.burnett33@eastlink.ca and I'm on Facebook and Twitter.

HOLY COW...SORRY HARRY, HAWKS NOT THE CUBS

Comedian Joan Rivers turned 76 years old this week....Joan is still smiling, of course due to all the surgery, she has no choice.

Over the last two years, prison guards have seized 129 cellphones from 52 facilities coast-to-coast, according to Corrections Canada......You can get upwards of $2,000, $2,500 for a smuggled cellphone......so if your looking for work and have a suitable body cavity.....

Many prison officials believe the true numbers of phones stashed inside correctional facilities to be in the thousands........Industry Canada does not currently allow "jamming" devices at prisons......that's not what I heard.

A recently published study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting......good news for high school grads entering law school

The UN Security Council imposed a new round of sanctions on Iran over their nuclear program.......this is going to blow Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's chances of getting on Dancing with the Stars next season.....(assisted by Number 1, Jerry Perisho)

A woman who allegedly pretended to be an AC/DC concert promoter has been accused of conning fans out of nearly $100,000 by planning a fake gig.....dam.....I thought I had them signed for my pig roast next week-end.

Keystone Entertainment Group Ltd. is seeking $6 million in damages over Aerosmith’s cancelled tour of the prairies and Vancouver last August, and its refusal to schedule new dates.......only one Canadian stop in Toronto on Aug. 17.......A spokesperson for Steven Tyler said he will be able to compensate......as soon as he returns last years empties.

Shania Twain's divorce from producer Robert "Mutt" Lange has been finalized, People.com reports......he may have turned her from men.....it's possible she could "Feel like a Woman"

Two Liberal Party advisers have sworn affidavits saying the federal party's president spoke to them about high-level discussions with NDP officials about the creation of a new party......and any such merger would "demand that the NDP renounce socialism.".......Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff called discussions of a merger "ridiculous.".......NDP leader Jack Layton said he doesn't care as long as he can get a seat at the bar for the World Cup.

Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq told a news briefing in Ottawa Wednesday that the new legislation will ban the manufacturing, import or marketing of any product considered unsafe.....The bill also gives the federal government the power to initiate a product recall.....and remove un-needed letters from a person's surname.

Raptors' Turkoglu wants to return to Sacramento..... OK thanks, watch the door doesn't hit your lazy ass on the way out Hedo.

Quebecor Media Inc. has filed an application for an English-language TV news network with the CRTC......a new, right-wing news channel modelled on the highly successful Fox News in the United States....."Big boob blonde's form a double line please......right, that's two fingers sweety, double means two"

The Global Anti-Counterfeiting Awards has honoured the RCMP for its role in efforts to combat counterfeiting......an RCMP spokesperson said a 30 year undercover operation has netted "several bogus Tim Cards" at various donut shops across the country.

In lab experiments, scientists found that fungus and mold was able to produce a high-quality biodiesel fuel.......good news, now you can gas up the car with that left-over tuna salad in the back of the fridge.

The Chicago Blackhawks are Stanley Cup champions for the first time in almost 50 years......still hope Toronto fans....as soon as hell freezes over.

Two men face weapons charges after a knife and carving fork were seized at the Dartmouth, N.S., courthouse......well in thier defense, you can run into some real turkeys at the courthouse. (Boooo)

On that note....come back soon....I'm on Facebook and Twitter....send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

BP SEEKS DUTCH BOY WITH BIG FINGERS

The Sci-Fi Channel is coming out with a cooking show.......geeks need to learn how to cook.....they will never have a spouse to do it.

A French man with no arms or legs will attempt to swim across the English Channel...........wonder if his name is "Bob"?

A woman who was hit by a car is suing Google for map directions she got as a pedestrian in Utah..........she claims she couldn't find the big pin with the red ball on the end.

Aerosmith have announced thier Cocked, Locked, Ready To Rock Tour will kick off in Oakland, California on 23 July..........Vegas still has it at 3 to 1 Tyler falls off the stage within a week.

A report by a United Nations panel suggests the world's population should shift away from a meat-based diet and cut fossil fuel consumption.........at least I think they said that......I heard it on my way to Master Meats in my Suburban.

An international team of researchers began a simulation of a flight to Mars that will keep them locked in windowless modules for 520 days.......it's a six-member, all-male crew....three Russians, a Frenchman, an Italian-Colombian and a Chinese.....the French participant said he was bringing along a guitar so he could entertain the other team members.....how many Frere Jacques's 'til that thing is smashed over his head.

"Twist Of Kate" is set to air this fall.......Kate Gosselin takes on an a variety of jobs that ordinary people do....such as garbage collecting....the boss said...."If she worked at this job for a month or so, believe me, she would mambo like you’d never seen her before!”......eeew.....I just pictured her doing the mambo!

James Cameron, the director of Avatar and Titanic, joined scientists and other experts at a meeting with U.S. officials Tuesday in Washington to come up with possible fixes for the oil leak.......James Cameron?....was this caused by blue aliens?......he couldn't stop a boat from sinking.....he can't even get a decent haircut.

I get a kick out of watching the BP oil executives.....It's a nice mixture of certainty and cluelessness......like watching a kitten bat its paw at a python.

Have a good week-end everybody.....Friend me on Facebook, Follow on Twitter @ben_burnett or send an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca  love to correspond.

WOW IT'S JUNE!!....OH WAIT...IT'S JUST WARD AND THE BOY'S.

Paul McCartney was reportedly left fearing for his safety after his tour bus came under attack from a group of thugs in a tough area of Mexico on Friday night......officials were shocked when they finally captured the ring leader and discovered it was Ringo Star

Katy Perry has threatened her record label bosses she will fall pregnant if they refuse to cut back on her busy work schedule......the line forms here gentlemen.....one at a time please!!!!!

Joe Walsh has filed for a restraining order against his neighbour, who is an elderly man in his 70's, who allegedly threatened to kill him.......no wonder he "ain't never been there".....they tell him it's nice

Olivia Newton-John's former lover Patrick McDermott has no plans to contact his ex-girlfriend after he was discovered alive and well in Mexico five years after supposedly drowning in a boating accident........Man, I hate her singing too, but not that much......stop singing Grease!!!!!

Britney Spears has crushed all competition on Twitter.com......the pop princess has become the first person on the social networking site to garner more than 5 million followers.......of course it would take a bird brain.

Bret Michaels fuelled rumours he will replace Simon Cowell on American Idol as he made his concert comeback in Biloxi, Mississippi on Friday following a string of health scares.......which were corrected by 8 hours of surgery to loosen his bandana.

The Bank of Canada did the expected and raised its benchmark interest rate to 0.5 per cent on Tuesday, the first interest hike in nearly three years......yea....I'm not interested either.

Flooding and landslides from a tropical storm have killed at least 150 people and made thousands homeless in Central America, officials say.....hurricane season officially begins today so, that storm is actually illegal.

Sarah Ferguson told Oprah on her show today she had been drinking and was "not in my right place" when she was caught on video offering to sell access to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew......drinking, red hair.....she must be with the IRA.

Calgary MP Rob Anders is raising eyebrows for signing a card in support of Canadian troops with the handwritten message: "When in doubt, pull the trigger."......Anders must have thought the message was for American troops.

Women who need to take antidepressants early in pregnancy have an increased risk of miscarriage, Canadian researchers say.....the depression happens when they realize that the childs father is the one laying on the couch scratching, burping and farting.

Pregnant women and new mothers in Canada's North who are trying to quit smoking could get help from a $350,000 federal project......called the Blue Light Campaign, families will get a blue light bulb to install on their porch to signal the family has committed to smoking outdoors or to quitting altogether....not to be confused with the Red Light campaign, that caused the problem in the first place.

An expert panel advising the World Health Organization is weighing whether to declare the H1N1 flu pandemic over......or to continue scaring the hell out of people for another year or so.

Back to usual hopefully.....Find me on Facebook and send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

EASTER CHOCOLATE...IT'S GOOD FOR YOU....HAVE ANOTHER EAR

On this day in 2002: The Netherlands legalizes euthanasia.......which means nothing because Holland is in Europe....duh!

Well ladies here is proof that being blond is gender nuetral.... TMZ and Harvey Levin suggests that people should not be travelling to Mexico because of the violence....he asks "Do you know what is going on down there?"....to which pretty boy with the long blonde hair replies...."Yea, they're charging American prices for beer....come on....it's Mexico man"

A genealogist for Ancestry.com has discovered that Madonna and Ellen DeGeneres are related through a 10th great-grandfather - Martin Aucoin of France - whose daughters emigrated to Nova Scotia in the early 1600s......when asked for comment, the matriarch of the Nova Scotia Aucoin's said "Good....more family to help with the eel fishing business"

The federal government tabled more than 6,000 pages of additional documents in the House of Commons Thursday......this comes one week after the government's initial tabling of 2,500 documents related to the Afghan detainee controversy......most of the text is blacked out.....the rest of it say's " "......riveting isn't it.

Scientists say elephants are like “4-wheel-drive animals”, with power being generated independently to each limb......not to be confused with the wild "Tiger".......all the power goes to one central limb. (Assisted by Jerry Perisho)

Shaw Communications will air the upcoming Masters golf tournament in 3-D, beating other Canadian cable and satellite distributors to the punch.....pass on this.....nobody want's David Feherty IN their living room.

A breakthrough in treating sleeping sickness has been announced by British and Canadian researchers.......they say they have found a compound that ca..........."zzzzzzz"

The cruise ship season will have it's earliest start ever in Sydney NS. this year.......the first passengers are scheduled to arrive in April 20 aboard the Costa Atlantica......the ship just sits there all day......hummm.....wonder if they leave the keys in those things?

The financial situation at First Nations University is so dire the school is facing the prospect of major layoffs and campus closings in spite of last-minute government funding......hey, what a about a casino!!!

A law that came into effect Thursday making it mandatory for doctors and nurses to tell police when they see patients with gunshot or stab wounds has some health professionals worried......."Don't you fret little lady....Marshall Dillon's here to protect you"

Have a good Easter everyone...send me a note at ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca @ben_burnett on Twitter and Facebook.

PAMELA ANDERSON HAS BIG....ISSUES

The Canadian Transportation Agency has said WestJet's domestic cap of $250 for claims on luggage liability is unreasonable, and gave the airline until April 18 to respond....I think they just responded....189 suitcases just hit the ground from an overhead jet leaving Toronto.

Colombian rebels have freed a soldier who has been held hostage in the jungle for more than 12 years.....while trying to catch up on world events he missed over 12 years.....the soldier bolted back into the jungle after being exposed to "American Idol" for the first time.

More than 500 rabbits were discovered living inside a south Edmonton home.....the owner insists he was running a "Pregnancy Detection Center" and that business has been slow.

A Belgian parliamentary committee has voted to ban face-covering Islamic veils from being worn in public.....the committee chair tried to calm protests by explaining "A special committee will be formed to look at each case, for example, if the person is really ugly they will be encouraged to continue wearing the veil"

MARCH 31---The Humane Mouse Trap was patented on this day in 1908.....Instead of killing the mouse, this trap slipped a wire collar with a bell on it around his neck and turned him loose......he would scare away other mice.....maybe you could use this on sex addict's like Tiger and Jesse James.

A lot of soccer experts feel David Beckham should retire as he begins to recover from an Achilles tendon operation......that and the obvious head trauma he has endured from "heading" soccer balls for so many years.....look who he married for God's sake!

Hillary Clinton has taken issue with Prime Minister Stephen Harper's G8 initiative on maternal mortality, arguing that any effort to improve the health of mothers in poor countries must include access to abortion......Bill Clinton sent a memo to Harper stating...."Better do what she wants Stephan, or you will be on the couch again....oh wait...that's me..."

Some are wondering if Sandra Bullock will make her first public appearance at this Saturday’s Kids’ Choice Awards, where she is nominated for Favourite Movie Actress......the website for the awards features “fun facts” about the nominees: “Sandra is happily married to the tattooed superstar motorcycle maker and monster mechanic Jesse James.”......they should really edit this to add....."who sometimes likes to lubricate skanky walking billboards"

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton and Haitian Prime Minister Jean-Max Bellerive will co-chair a committee overseeing at least $3.8 billion in post-quake aid to Haiti....when asked to comment, the former U.S. President said "He's a big fella, but I think we can both squeeze into one chair"

Some 4,000 conservative Catholic university students in Rome for a convention, attacked journalists who have written about the sexual abuse of children by priests as "sowers of mistrust.".....the priest's were "sowing" a lot more then mistrust with that one furrow plough under their robes.

MARCH 31---The U.S. bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark for $25-million on this day in 1917......the next day they tried to return the islands when they discovered the natives were not all virgins....to which the Danes replied......April Fools!!!!

Pamela Anderson has personally filed a series of Access to Information requests in an effort to prove the seal hunt actually costs Canadian taxpayers money...."For the many Canadians who travel abroad, like me, it's a huge embarrassment.".......A government spokesperson said in response...."For the many Canadians who travel abroad, like me, Pamela Anderson is a huge embarrassment."

Send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca and blog updates are on Twitter @ben_burnett and friend me on Facebook.

SCARY U.S. WOMEN IN CANADA, 2 WEEKS IN A ROW

The Washington Nationals say President Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the team's opening day game April 5 ........he's a lefty........what a coup to sign him as a middle reliever.

NASA and the National Academy of Sciences are joining the government's effort to figure out what caused the sudden acceleration problems that led to Toyota's massive recalls.......next time you stop in at Earl's Garage down the road for a problem, ask him if he could get his team of rocket scientists to check it out.

The red replica Ferrari 250GT Spyder California sports car made famous in the hit '80s film Ferris Bueller's Day Off will be on the auction block just north of London next month.....the current owner claims it still has the smell that was caused when Matthew Broderick shit himself.

Toyota is not the only Canadian vehicle manufacturer to have problems with sticky gas pedals causing accidental acceleration, according to an analysis of 12 years' worth of Transport Canada recall data.....sorry?......oh, that sound you hear is lawyer drool dripping on gleaming mahogany.

A copy of the 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1, which features Superman's debut sold Monday for $1.5 million US in an online auction........Superman would be useless today......the Chinese use all the kryptonite in toy paint.

Ten cents on the dollar may be the most investors in southern Ontario will get in return for their estimated $50 million in loans entrusted to Ponzi suspect Robert Mander......Mander's lawyers insist that and the accompanying fruit basket, pen and calendar should be more then enough.

Organizers of the Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo are hoping to resolve a dispute over a set of stairs that is keeping the 83 yr old Queen from attending the event.....they are now looking at a high wire entrance like the one used by Pink at the Grammy awards.

A Tennessee man who ran naked through a grocery store has been charged with indecent exposure......it did reinforce the fact that subliminal advertising works...the store’s sales of sausage skyrocketed. (Many thanks to Jerry Perisho for an assist on this one....check out his blog....link on the right)

Scientists say that tobacco could be used as a biofuel in the future......the only problem found is when you're low on fuel.....the car becomes irritable.

The world's largest atom smasher set a record for high-energy collisions on Tuesday by crashing proton beams into each other at three times more force than ever before......this could be dangerous......?backwards going starts time if What....oh oh.

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton told CBC's The Hour that the United States would like Canada to stay in Afghanistan after 2011......after the camera's were shut off she said "No reason for both our country's to be there......we could go off and attack some one else"

Drop me a line at ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca or on Twitter @ben_burnett and I can be found on Facebook getting insulted by friends and family.

ANN COULTER MISTAKEN FOR ANTELOPE..RELEASED SOMEWHERE IN BANFF NATIONAL PARK

Winnipeg remains the robbery capital of Canada, according to a report analyzing holdups, and Manitoba was tops among provinces and territories.....more on this story when the reporter gets another blackberry.....he was robbed at gunpoint this morning.

Saturday March 27 is earth hour, people around the world are encouraged to turn off their lights from 8:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. local time.....one question.....what will happen if I get a good idea during that hour?.....you know, a "lightbulb" moment....hey....it could happen!

A team of scientists looking at Einstein's theory of relativity say he was right and most of the universe is dark, dark matter and dark energy, and they have absolutely no clue what its physical nature is.....if you google "dark matter" a picture of Dick Cheney appears.

President Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev agreed on Friday to sharp cuts in the nuclear arsenals of both nations......North Korean leader Kim Jong Il ordered his staff to start searching for these on E-Bay.

Californians will vote in November on whether they want to be the first Americans to legalize marijuana for personal use.......in other news.....the So-Cal Association of Fast-Food Restaurants predict a spike in sales early in 2011.

George Zimmer, founder and chief executive of the men's clothing chain Men's Wearhouse is said to be the largest doner of the California pot legalization campaign...."You won't care the way you look...I gaurantee it"

A Dutch hacker won $10,000 for busting into IE8 on Windows 7 in 2 minutes......after the feat he apologized for taking so long, explaining he had to take that call from Steve Jobs.

Government owned BC Rail executives have managed 38 kilometres of track and zero trains for 6 years in which time they have received just over $10-million in executive compensation......now the two executives, that's right 2....will be getting $600,000 in severance as it shuts down.....recap....38 km of track with no trains.....6 years.....over $10 and a 1/2 million....two guy's.....how do you get on these gravy trains?

Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall says he's disappointed that 16 University of Regina professors are protesting a scholarship program called Project Hero for the children of fallen soldiers who receive free tuition for four years, as well as $1,000 for books.....it's amazing how our smartest people can also be the stupidest.

Ann Coulter's cross Canada comedy tour continued in Cowtown (Calgary) last night, where her reception was not as bitter as Ottawa, unfortunately......she said she still intends to file a complaint with the Canadian Human Rights Commission that she is a victim of hate speech......and if anybody knows hate speech....it's Ann Coulter.

It's Friday!!!...whatever that means....oh yea, more NCAA @ben_burnett for blog updates on Twitter...I'm heckling on Facebook now and then, better yet e-mail me ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca

ANN COULTER STILL HERE...SADLY

A researcher says paintings of “The Last Supper” throughout the years show that the perceived standard serving size has grown tremendously......the latest rendition shows a girl in a paper hat in the window behind them asking "Do want fries with that?"

According to the Cancer Advocacy Coalition Canada, provincial politicians and top bureaucrats across Canada have better access to cancer drugs and treatment than their constituents......wonder if any of them will give us the infamous "I'm entitled to my entitlements!"

Anybody else sick of hearing about the head-shot rule change for the NHL?......if they don't stop talking about it....I'll be giving myself a head-shot into a wall.

The only NHL player who doesn't care about the head shot rule is Zdeno Charra.....at six foot nine, nothing comes close to him anyway.

Up to 100 Australian police officers are being investigated over racist, homophobic and pornographic e-mails that have been circulated among officers in the state of Victoria.....this news has shocked about 2 people in the country.

Nasty alert: Watching the Womens World Curling Championships......couldn't help but notice the German women have Mickey Rourke as thier skip....and not the young handsome version.

More on the German women....no wonder the German's started so many wars.....they didn't have to worry about the occupying forces messing with thier women......BOOOO

Prince Charles paid tribute to his country's forces in Afghanistan on a surprise tour Thursday in which he also met local leaders....video from the meeting captured young children running to get under the shade his ears created.

Most Canadians could afford the modest price increase they'd be subject to if TV networks get approval to charge cable and satellite companies for their over-the-air signals, says the CRTC..... the CRTC knows everything....they know what you want to watch and listen to.....they know how much money you have.....they even know who your sleeping with.....who do you think broke the Tiger Woods story?

Air pollution from Asia, India and Indonesia is transported into the global stratosphere by the summer monsoon season, a study using a Canadian satellite has found.....that explains my craving Tandoori Chicken and Makki Roti every night.

Osama bin Laden purportedly dispensed more threats towards Americans in a new audio tape......he also said the yin to his yang Ann Coulter would continue her tour of Canada....oh and he knew Kansas would lose.

Have a wonderful weekend....friend me on Facebook  @ben_burnett on Twitter  send me an e-mail ben.burnett33@yahoo.ca